I am writing a blog entry to prevent me from hanging our oldest nephew from the second story window until he screams "Mercy!"

I had a great encounter with the "newness" of being a surrogate Mom to a 16 year old! The steam has stopped blowing from my ears, but I am still truly thinking about auctioning him off on eBay!

I was in a meeting this morning and my assistant came in and told me I had a phone call. I told her to please take a message. She had this goofy weird worried look on her face. She "whispered" ACROSS the room like no one else would hear her. DUH! "AM, sorry it's your nephew's school and they cannot get in touch with R. I think it's kinda important.

After I relished all of the pity looks and OMG faces of my fellow meeting attendees I politely excused myself. I was seriously thinking the boy was sick or something. It NEVER crossed my mind that I would be proven very wrong!

When I got on the phone I was greeted by the Vice Principals voice. I was informed there had been an incident with our boy and I needed to come up and talk with them and take him home.

She refused to go into the details over the phone. Of course not! Why would she give me a heads up anyway? That in itself irked me. I was having High School flashbacks.

I called R and of course he was on the other side of town. Lucky me...I was going to be able to handle this one solo. Bonus.

When I got up to the school I found my lovely child sitting outside the VP's office. He barely made eye contact with me. He was so working that puppy dog look. Before I could even speak to the boy the VP came out and took me into her office. I was nervous. My mind was racing a million miles an hour. I wanted her to quit the dramatics and get to the point. She seemed however to be enjoying this on some level.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity she finally told me what Mr. Brilliant did.

Apparently a teacher had told him to do something...not once, but like three times. The last time she was addressing him he muttered 2 very lovely words under his breath..." F'ing Bitch". I could feel the color drain from my face.

To make the matter even BETTER when he was asked to remove himself from the classroom he apparently refused saying he had done nothing wrong. Though his classmates were amused at his "antics" his teacher was not. This just so happens to be the class that he is struggling with and getting tutoring for now. EXTRA BONUS!

I was in awe. I mean he's a pretty good kid and I have never once heard him even mutter a cuss word. What the heck was he thinking talking to a teacher like that???? I guess his one brain cell is on vacation!

Now he's received an in school suspension for three days starting tomorrow and must make a formal and written apology to the teacher. That is of course if he survives the wrath of R tonight!

When we got into the car I looked at him and asked "WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU THINKING??????"

There was a long quiet pause. I knew he didn't have an answer. He just shrugged his shoulders. I informed him that I was way too upset to speak to him at the moment and that R and I would talk about it with him tonight. I also informed the little tyrant that he was grounded from everything but breathing until further notice.

His response, "I've never been grounded before."

My response, " "

His response, " I have a date Saturday night."

My response, " Yes, yes you do. You have a date with your room!"

When we got home I told him to go to his room and finish unpacking EVERYTHING he had left in boxes. I removed the TV, the stereo, the Gameboy, his computer, and his phone. He looked on with a look of utter disbelief. I secretly enjoyed his panic!

R is furious. I can only imagine the "discussion" that shall be held in our house tonight. I think I might wear my helmet and pads! LOL I don't know what this boy is thinking. I know they have been through a lot with their Mom, but there is no excuse for this behavior.

Their Mom never cared enough to do anything with these kids and I hope this is not an indication of where things are going. I am hoping his first dose of grounding and humiliation will be enough to prevent this from ever happening again. I know he thinks the world of R and that he's worried about seeing him later. That's good too. He should be worried.

Never a dull moment around here. Anyone out there want to borrow a foul mouthed kid for a few days??

I'm seriously thinking about introducing his mouth to a little friend named "Ivory Soap"!

Happy Wednesday to you all. Wish me luck with this one! I'm gonna need it!

Love Ya'll,
AM

Sorry I have not written here in a while. Life has been super busy and I finally have a little time to myself.

We've been in the process of moving into our new house. And it has been just that... a "process". Lord have mercy I never expected it to be such an endeavor!

I'm not sure how the new place is growing on me yet. Most likely because half of our lives are still in boxes and it's a struggle to find ANYTHING amidst the mess. I didn't realize how much crap we actually had until we "consolidated" our two houses. I'm seeing a rather big garage sale in our future.

The new house is a lot bigger....almost too big for my liking. We decided to go with this house because of the bedroom layouts. With DB, R's kids, and nephews we wanted to make sure everyone had their own space and that we'd have plenty of bathrooms. I know there are 7 of us now...but for some reason I kind of miss the cozy feeling of us all being a little closer.

It's a beautiful house. We found some new furniture this weekend for two of the kids, the upstairs family room, and R and I's bedroom. We also have a decorator coming over tonight to "coach" us in our new project. Not sure how I feel about some chic coming into my house to "help", but I guess I will deal with it. Maybe.

Just not sure how I feel about this new space yet. I am sure it will take a while to grow on me and feel like home.

I am feeling much better these days. Even with all of the chaos going on I have managed to get plenty of rest. I know I have to take care of me. Sometimes I feel selfish about it, but I know I have to do it.

R and I have also decided that I will start working just part-time starting November 1st. It was a decision we have been batting around for quite a while now. It's just with all the kids’ schedules and homework etc...it was draining me completely to deal with the Office Idiots and the kiddos. I was exhausted. My transition from single Mom of one...to Mother of 5 happened rather quickly. There was no adjustment time. I realized I found myself needing about 12 more hours in the day. I hope this new plan will work out a lot better. We'll see.

Thank you all for your kind words of love and support through the loss of our baby. It means a lot to me and to R. I really appreciate the love here on the Stream. It's amazing to me. I have tons of PM's and comments to reply to. And I miss knowing what is going on out there. Need to catch up. That seems to be my theme these days...."Catch Up"! Maybe I should get a T-Shirt printed with those words.

Hope all is well with everyone. I will be in touch very soon. Take care out there.


AM

I could not sleep to save my life last night. I was a "Midnight Wanderer" of sorts. There's a weird feeling being awake when the whole house is quiet. If you spent any time in my home you would know that "quiet" is rare and sometimes just darn right unsettling.

Every noise seemed to echo within the house. I am lucky to have a house full of sound sleepers. Hell, I could have blared the TV and stereo and added a beautiful mix of pots and pans banging and no one would have stirred from slumber.

R awoke only because he rolled over and I wasn't in bed. R is quite the cuddler in bed. We don't have "our" sides of the bed...we basically share the middle...spooning. R is a wonderful spooner.

I was sitting in the kitchen sipping some hot tea when he walked out of the darkness. I had been deep in thought and noticing him in the doorway scared the crap out of me. I think my shriek scared him too as he jumped a bit.

He sat down at the table. He didn't say anything he just looked at me. He didn't have to speak...I can read the looks on his face in a heart beat. I like the comfortable feeling that alone provides. I told him he should go back to sleep, and he insisted he wasn't tired but I knew he was lying. He looked exhausted.

I reached for his hand and gently squeezed it and smiled at him. I felt really blessed at that moment. I felt tears welling up in my eyes simply because I know how much he loves me. I see it all of the time. He's been a rock the past week and I could see the toll it's taken on his tired face.

I knew he would not go back to sleep until I did. So, I stood up and told him we should go back to bed. I held his hand and we walked towards our bedroom. On the way we poked our heads in on the kids and sure enough they were all enjoying a peaceful sleep.

As we approached our bedroom door he pulled my hand as to stop me. I could not see his face as the darkness surrounded us. And then he just grabbed me and hugged me. He squeezed me tight and put his hand gently on the back of my head. We shared no words....again we didn't have to.

He knew why I couldn't sleep. He most likely knew I was returning to bed for his sake. He knew that my heart was heavy. And as I relaxed in the comfort of his hug and strong arms around me I knew it would be okay. I knew that he understood what I was feeling even though I have had a very hard time expressing it.

I knew that no matter how many sleepless nights I may encounter...that I will always have someone to share the darkness with me. And in that darkness there is a pure and loving light waiting just around the bend. And I realized for the first time that life's dark moments are not meant to be encountered alone. I realized that the wonderful and amazing man holding me in the darkness would never allow me to wander in the dark alone again. And I felt peace and sleepiness envelop me for the first time in weeks.

Life moves on. Life doens't stop and wait for us. And if we are truly lucky and blessed we don't have to go it alone. Today I thank God I am that I am lucky and blessed. In this dark time for me I am grateful I am not a solo "Midnight Wanderer".

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I cannot express how grateful I am for all of you. You all shed so much light unto my path. There are angels on the Stream....so many angels. And I have been blessed and lucky enough to meet so many.

Take care out there. May this day bring you all peace and comfort. I love you guys!


AM

There is a lot to write about, but today I just don't have it in me. I wanted to update here…. it might be brief and I will write more about it later.

I lost the baby. I had a D&C on Friday morning. I am not sure how I feel about it today. I think it will take me a little time to truly absorb it all. I have cried and I have been angry, I’ve blamed myself, and I have also felt a very weird sense of calm. I am certain my emotions are normal, but they seem foreign to me right now. I am not trying to sound cold or distant…I am honestly just unsure of my emotions right now.

I know everything happens for a reason. I know life doesn't always offer up an explanation for the course it takes. I know there is a reason this baby was not meant to come into our lives right now. Yet, I find myself with an empty and confused feeling right now.

I haven't talked with R much about it. I have listened a lot to him though. Sometimes I am much better at listening than I am at expressing. I know he's upset and I know he is hurting. I am trying to comfort him and he's trying to do the same for me. I'm certain that neither one of us knows exactly what to do or say right now.

The doctor said we can try again in a month if we want to. I am not sure if I will be ready then or not. Perhaps there is enough in our lives for right now. Maybe this just wasn't the "right" time. Though honestly I have no idea what that means. I have heard it from a lot of people around me. Maybe there is a sad and simple truth in that. I don't know.

As I watched our crazy kids yesterday roaming the house I wondered if God thinks R and my path should be different. Nothing in the world would make me happier than for R and I to have a baby together. I can think of no greater gift to share with him. I think we will try again. Though I am not sure when. I think we will need some time and I think then we will know when it is right for us.

I am home for the next few days. I will return to work on Wednesday afternoon for a half day. I have not missed the office idiots, but must say I am looking forward to the distraction. Sometimes the walls around us seem to close in tightly....I think I need a break from the walls.

I will write more soon. For now I think I will take a quick rest before my tribe gets home from school. I hope you are all well.

AM

I'm on bed rest and for the record....sitting on my butt is driving me insane!

I started bleeding last week and now have been "ordered" to do basically nothing until my next ultrasound Thursday. I fear I am not being a good patient either. Big shocker isn't it?

R is holding down the fort rather well. He's been taking care of everything and even has time to "manage" me with a wonderful military like authority.

He's even working at home this week. Guess he wants to make sure I don't run any marathons while he is gone or go on a dancing binge. He's watching me like a hawk. Hell, I cannot even pee in peace. Nothing like having an audience when you are trying to take care of business.

To add to the utter joy I am feeling right now my Mother seems to be on one of her "kicks". I wish I knew how to block her calls on my cell phone. She's driving me crazy....again. I am certain she thinks I don't have enough on my mind so she must fulfill her duty of putting more crap upon my empty plate.

My Mom and I have a relationship that I am certain borders on lunacy. I used to think we would "outgrow" it, but I fear that shall not happen. Mom and I are total opposites. I am very much like my Dad and outside of the fact she and I are both women...our common grounds are minimal.

If I hear one more "I told you so" from her this week I fear I shall burst into flames! If I hear one more "If you had just listened to me" I think I might start beating my head against the nearest sharp object and never stop. If my cell phone rings one more time and I see the word MOM on it...I am certain I shall flush the damn thing. Who needs technology anyway?

Yesterday when she called she literally talked for 10 minutes without stopping and taking a breath. After the first few minutes all I heard was "BLAH, BLAH, NAG, NAG!" She's sending my blood pressure through the roof right now and she insists she is just trying to "help". I feel like screaming..."FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN STOP "HELPING" WILL YA?????????"

So basically this bed rest thing is really rockin' so far! It appears I can have "fun" adventures even sitting here on my behind. Am I a crap magnet perhaps? Do I have a sign that reads KICK ME on my back? No, it must be that my life is one big episode of Candid Camera or perhaps a very cruel version of the Real World??

Well, I guess I am going to start watching one of the gazillion DVD's R bought to keep me glued to this damn bed. I'd really like a glass of juice right now but Captain of the Bed Police is on the phone and I fear being arrested should I make that "long" journey to the kitchen.

Oh this week shall give me lots of time to catch up on the Stream. Be warned though....I may drive ya'll crazy with my craziness. So, should I become a bother just hang your "NO AM'S ALLOWED" signs and I promise to take the hint...maybe.

Love ya'll....

AM (Your soon to be resident crazy streamer)