On Friday I decided to go do a little Christmas shopping with my Mom. Why? First of all because our Christmas lists are starting to resemble a War and Peace novel and secondly because shopping with Mom is so much "fun".

Mom approaches shopping as a special occasion. You would think the woman was going to Sunday service at church. For the record my Momma loves to shop. She "bonds" with the mall several days a week. And though she shall deny it to her dying day…..there are sales associates who know her by name!

I had my youngest niece with me and I had forgotten what it was like to get ready for an adventure with a toddler. By the time I got her loaded up, the stroller packed, and the diaper bag ready I debated whether it was really worth it??

Upon meeting my Mom at the mall I was greeted with the following:

Mom: Hi Honey! *kisses granddaughter*

She looks at me and says hello. I can tell she is "sizing" me up.

AM: What?

Mom: Oh, I just didn't know I needed to tell you to dress up a little. We are going to lunch remember? Isn't it time you throw that nasty thing away? *points at me*

I look at myself. I am sporting my comfortable jeans and my old and very favorite college sweatshirt. It's cold outside. I was dressing for warmth and comfort. I look around quickly for the mall fashion police. I'm sure they will be writing me a ticket at any moment and banning me from the mall forever. Oh a girl can dream!

So now that Mom has made my Christmas spirit SOAR we start what I like to call our adventure with the Mall People.

First of all I am not a mall person. Hell, if I could avoid that place all year long I would be a happy camper. Online shopping is my Savior. Secondly, shopping at the mall around Christmas time is about as fun as a visit to the OB/GYN. I just love it!

During this joyous time of year you would think it would bring out the better in the Mall People. Yet, I have found the opposite to be true. I am convinced that the Mall People leave their manners and courtesy at the door when they arrive.

It doesn't matter that it took me 85 hours to find a parking space when I arrived. No big deal. Yet, do you think it would have killed the young woman in front of me to hold the door open so me and the stroller could get through? Apparently, she just enjoys a good show and stares at me like she's never seen a baby before. Thanks lady.

Stores are not made for strollers to maneuver. I am so writing a letter to the mall owners soon. When I politely say, "Excuse me" to the Mall People blocking paths in the stores so I can get by them they growl at me. Some of them huff and puff as if I have asked them to dance for me or carry me through the aisles. The Mall People look at me as if I am an alien and don’t deserve to be there.

I refrain from flipping them all the bird as I need to be a good example for my niece. But, I spend several minutes pondering it. She can't really talk anyway. Who would she tell??

I still try and maintain my Christmas spirit.

I then decide to go buy DB a few outfits at her favorite store that shall remain nameless (THE LIMITED TOO!). I find a few outfits quickly, but cannot find her size in the High School Musical sweatshirt she HAS TO HAVE! Don't even get me started on this movie. High School Musical haunts me daily.

So, what does a Mom do? I meander through the disgruntled Mall People until I finally arrive at the register. I am almost out of breath. I turn to the 4 young sales associates who have gathered to discuss their boyfriends and Brad Pitt and politely ask if they have the shirt in DB's size.

They look at me and smile. They assure me they will check it out. Yet, none of them move from their intriguing conversation. I stand about trying to act like I am browsing at other items, but I am screaming at them on the inside.

Finally, one of them goes to the back of the store. I find myself excited. (I need a life people!) She leaves....and she never returns. Was she eaten by the one of the Mall People? I shudder at the thought in-between all the bad words floating through my head.

I nicely lay down all of my items at the register....and leave.

Sales Associate # 1: Do you want this ma’am?

AM: Not anymore thanks.

In-between all of my joyous encounters with the mall people my lovely Mother commentates like John Madden on Monday night football. You would think in a busy place like the mall I could drown her out, but I tell you that woman has a voice that carries! I quietly decide I am shipping her C.O.D. to American Idol.

And finally after hours of shopping I have my last Mall People encounter.

I was paying for my items at a large department store. After the young woman was finished with my purchase I smiled at her and wished her a Merry Christmas. She looked at me like I had just told her she had a booger hanging from her nose.

Girl: I don't celebrate Christmas. *deep sigh*

AM: *awkward silence* *smiles* Happy Holidays!

She rolls her eyes at me. I don't know what to say. I am drowning in my lack of political correctness. I give her yet another one of my awkward smiles. I am sorry but was it necessary for her to share that? I wasn't trying to be offensive! Did she need an uncomfortable moment in her day? Why do I think she took pleasure from making me feel stupid??

By the time I out of the mall, out of the parking lot, away from my Mother and safely home....all I wanted was some wine. I tried to approach the holiday shopping with a good attitude, but it appears the Mall People don't want you to be content and happy while shopping. They sucked the ever living Christmas Spirit right out of me! Happiness and jolly and Fa-La-La-La-La do not come with the shopping "plan". It must cost extra at the door.

It appears me and the computer will be bonding a lot over the next week. I now intend to do as much of my holiday shopping online as I possibly can.

Beware of the Mall People Streamers! Enter the mall at your own risk! Be sure to wear protective gear and weapons for defense. And if you encounter disgruntled Mall People who suck the ever living Christmas joy out of you...run like the wind! Or give them all a Christmas/Holiday 'bird" for me!

AM

Okay, R and I were having a "discussion" last night. My mood may or may not have been on the cranky side. I may or may not have been tired. And I may or may not have thought the topic we were "discussing" was annoying.

So, what conclusion does Einstein draw from this? Anyone??? R and all 4 of his brain cells smiled and muttered the following while stroking my hair:

" Awww, Honey you seem out of sorts. It must be your "special" time of month. I understand, baby."

I am certain I growled at him while pushing his grubby hands out of my locks. I stood looking at him for a good 2 or 3 minutes. He was still smiling as if he had figured out life’s Great Mystery and was waiting for his reward.

My response was simple actually. I walked out of the kitchen before I was tempted to play with the butcher knives.

Why is it that when a girl is having a bad day or she is tired that men naturally assume it must be that time of month? Is that the best they've got?

To all of you men out there...and I say this with kindness and fear for your future safety... If your wife/girlfriend/sister/friend is moody and having a bad day it is not in your best interest to ask her if it's her time of the month.

More importantly (make mental notes here guys) you should never and I mean NEVER refer to this monthly occurrence as "special". This is in no way, shape, or form a "special" time. If you value your family jewels I pray that you take heed to my warning.

Okay, I feel better. On to something else perhaps?

I asked the kids for their Christmas lists. They worked hard and long on them and I was certain I would be pleased with their efforts. Upon receiving their lists I found myself laughing hysterically. And I almost lined them all up and gave them the "Say No to drugs" speech. Certainly they must have been sniffing the Elmer’s.

Here are just a few samples of their lists:

1. 2 of my kids want Play Station 3's. (not one to share…their very own!)
2. 1 asked for a new TV (flat screen) and Tivo for their room.
3. 2 asked for iPod Video thingy
4. 2 asked for new computers for their rooms, and 1 deems it necessary to have his own scanner and color printer.
5. 1 asked for a new stereo system.
6. 3 asked for their own portable DVD players. (We have 2 but I guess the "royalty" in my clan think they need their own.)

So, you get the idea. My kids apparently think Santa shoots 100 dollar bills out of his ass every time he breathes.

Yet, my favorite came from the youngest. When I asked him where his list was or if he needed any help he smiled and said, "No." When I asked him why he responded with only the innocence that youth can provide and said, "Santa already knows what I want for Christmas. So, I don't need to write it down."

My response:

Upon asking him if he could share it with me he shook his head no and pranced and skipped out of the room.

I have decided that I am going to pay Whoville a visit and stay there. If anyone should need to find me just ask Cindy Lou Who...she'll point the way.

Who knows...I might just go make friends with the Grinch and discuss this whole heart is too small thing. Maybe it's because it's his "special" time of the month??

AM

Is it safe to come out yet? Are they all gone? I mean are they REALLY gone yet?

I have never in my life been so happy for it to be a Monday! Yet, I find myself almost deliriously giddy with the fact that my house is finally FREAKING quiet!

Since I am writing this you now know I survived the holiday.
Not too much went wrong I suppose. Just a few glitches here and there. And lucky me my holiday came with a bonus...a dose of family big enough to make me wonder why we reproduce at all???

To say we had a house full would be an understatement. They came from far and wide with "personalities" in tow. And there are always a few relatives that make you seriously ask yourself, "Did we really come out of the same gene pool?"

Dumb and Dumber and the men in our families managed to smoke a turkey and fry a turkey without burning down the house or themselves. However I was a nervous wreck about it. They assured me that they could smoke meat, drink beer, and watch all the kids at the same time. Yet, every time I heard a loud noise I was running outdoors like Speed Racer. Honestly I totally doubted their abilities to multi-task. They proved me wrong...as far as I know.

We had enough food to feed a small continent. Getting everyone seated was a production in itself. I had two adult tables and one big kids table. The kids were "champs". They somehow managed to use my beautiful centerpieces to entertain themselves. And why is it that my kids can make weapons out of anything? I will not even write about what they did to the cornucopia. I am sure it is illegal in all 50 states.

After dinner the men and children all scattered like leaves blowing in the wind. That left us women folk to do the dishes. Next time I shall do it alone no matter how long it takes. Being in a kitchen with all those gabbing gossipy women almost pushed me over the edge.

R's Aunt….a lovely creature (when she's sleeping) enjoys her wine and her mouth more than most. She must have deemed it her duty to lecture me about EVERYTHING while I was cleaning. This made me wonder what the gravy boat would look like in her mouth or if the turkey carcass would fit over her rather odd shaped head.

And please don't ever get me started about his cousin and her husband. Lord have mercy!! I dare say they are the most backwards ass people I have ever met in my life. It was hard not to laugh out loud sometimes or blurt out, "What the Hell did you just say?" when they talked. Every time I looked at him one word came to mind.....Abominable Snowman. Need I say more?

And my Mother and all of her "glory" were the real dessert of the day. Who needs Pumpkin Pie when you got Mom?? How many words are actually in the "Nagging" language? I counted at least 20,000. I was glad when she started drinking the wine and "entertaining" herself with others. Next year I shall make her sit at the kids table.

The rest of the weekend was full of family fun. We were stupid enough to go shopping Friday. Yet, I shall write about that tomorrow as I am not recovered from that adventure. I am not sure I ever will be the same actually...but the Doctor's say there is a small glimmer of hope.

One holiday down and one more to go. Is it July yet?? Hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I am going to go sit in a dark room until the kids get home. It's time to detoxify my mind from all the festivities. Happy Monday Ya'll! And guess what?? Thanksgiving is finally over.....

AM

Twas a few days before Thanksgiving and all through the house....

Who am I kidding? All through the house it was : CHAOS! Pure and simple CHAOS!

R is lucky he has survived the past 24 hours. Settle in for a little story folks.

There are two characters in this story....R and his brother-in-law. For the sake of the story we will call R: Dumb and brother-in-law: Dumber. That will make it easier.

Yesterday I sent Dumb and Dumber on two very easy and quick errands. The grocery store for 3 items and the dry cleaners. This "simple" task should have taken Dumb and Dumber all of 20 minutes. However, I didn't have time to draw them a map with my CRAYONS...so they got a little "lost".

Dumb and Dumber had been gone almost an hour before I reached for the cell phone. It's not that I had noticed an hour had passed as the 9 kids in the house were certainly "entertaining" me.

Dumb: Hey honey.

AM: Where are you guys?

Dumb: We won't be much longer.

AM: Did you go to the grocery store and cleaners?

Dumb: Yup. (He says this as he is giggling)

AM: So are you on your way home yet?

Dumb: Nope.

AM: *taking deep breath* Why not honey??

Dumb: It's a surprise.

The color drains from my face at the mere thought of Dumb and Dumber trying to "surprise" anyone.

AM: What is it?

Dumb: If I told you it would not be a surprise anymore now would it?

AM: How long before you are home??

Dumb: When we're done. Waiting on Jason.

AM: Jason? Why? Where are you?

Dumb: We need his truck.

AM: Oh God!

Panic sets into my very soul. What the Hell could Dumb and Dumber need a truck for and do I even want to know at this point? I eye the front door. I could make a run for it and with all the chaos they wouldn't know I was gone for at least a good 2 hours.

Dumb: Trust me baby.

Famous last words. I can hear Dumber in the background. They both have the giggles like little school girls. This in itself scares me.

Dumb: You still there honey?

Dumb: Baby, are you still there?

AM:

Dumb to Dumber: I think I lost the connection. Hello? AM? Are you there?

I hit the end button on the phone. I look at the hyped up kids running around the back yard and cover my eyes. What was I thinking? I sent two grown men to run two FREAKING SIMPLE errands! I should have known better. I spent the next hour and a half waiting for Dumb and Dumber and their “surprise”. I have no finger nails left.

Finally the Stooges arrive home. Dumb is all smiles ear to ear. He grabs my hand and walks me out to the drive way. I see boxes. Big boxes in Jason's truck. Dumb is looking at me like, "Well?" and I am clueless and scared.

AM: What is it?

Dumb: You're gonna love this AM.

I've heard that before and it never ended in love of any kind.

He jumps up on the truck. He's smiling like the Grinch and I can tell he's really proud of himself. I try to smile back, but I really want the "production" to be over and done with. I feel like screaming "GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!"

Dumb: We picked up a few things I thought we need for the holiday.

He hops over to the biggest box.

Dumb: This is a refrigerator.

AM:*shakes head* We have two already didn't know we needed ANOTHER one?

Dumb: This is going to be the beverage fridge AM. We need a fridge for drinks.

Of course what was I thinking? Every home needs a third fridge for drinks!!!

Dumb: This one is a smoker. Now we can smoke one of those turkeys.

AM: You have one R.

Dumb: It's old. This one rocks baby.

He's so happy it's almost creepy. He's going on about this smoker like it's a god. The bells and whistles speech has me singing songs in my head.

Dumb: And this is a turkey fryer. Now we can deep fry one of those birds too.

AM:

The mere thought of R and the men in our families having a few beers and access to a smoker and hot oil makes me cringe. That has BAD IDEA written all over it.

He jumps out of the truck and runs to his SUV. He opens the hatch. Oh God there's more.

Dumb: And this is one of those heat thingys for outside. It burns pinion wood and heats and smells good baby. We can put it on the patio and people won't get cold no more. What do you think?

I am quiet for a minute. I look at him and all his "man" glory and smile.

AM: I think I sent you and Dumber to the store for milk, flour, and tea. I think I sent you to pick up dry cleaning.

He runs around to the back seat. He grabs the grocery bags and the cleaning and smiles again.

Dumb: I got those!

AM:I see.

I turn around and start walking toward the house. He runs up to me.

Dumb: Are you mad at me? You don't like what we picked out?

AM: No, I like it fine.

Dumb: Then what is it?

AM: The next time I need a few things from the store I will send the kids before I send you.

Dumb: Why baby?

I look at the truck and point.

AM: Do I need to say more?

Dumb:

Lesson number 1,254,365 learned people. Do not ever....and I mean ever send Dumb on any more errands. It will be easier and cheaper to do it myself.

Well, gotta go feed the herd of kids lunch. Maybe I should just make Dumb smoke them something and then keep them warm with his heat "thingy" and top it off with a cold beverage from the unnecessary 3rd drink fridge!

It's turning out to be a long week people. Pass the wine.

AM

Well, the journey to insanity has started and is in full swing....and it is only Monday.

The kids are out of school ALL week and we somehow managed to pick up a few extra kids...4 to be exact but who’s counting?

R is off work this week. I believe he did this only because he feared his survival had he not been here to help with the madness.

So, our total body count for Thanksgiving dinner is:

Kids: 16

Adults: 32-34

Do I even have to verbalize how FREAKED out I am right now??? I love cooking and such, but God help me. How do I get myself into this kinda stuff?

We aren't going to be feeding people...it will be more like a very whacked out version of a cattle drive gone terribly wrong.

It's going to be a week of chaos here folks. This very well may be my last blog entry....ever. This just might do me in I fear. Keep your eyes on the skies for my S.O.S. smoke signals. Or perhaps I need to borrow the Batman signal and rent the caped crusader until Friday??

I will have help this week, and if my Mother doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity there are many others patiently waiting in line behind her. Nice of them to wait quietly in the shadows isn't it?

R and his brother-in-law just took the kids to the park. I gave him only two instructions:

1. Don't lose anyone.

2. Let them play until they pass out from exhaustion.

Simple actually. Hopefully, Dumb and Dumber can handle their task with ease. Yet, I wondered as they walked out with the children...if I was sending 9 kids with adults or two overgrown kids with cars?


Surviving the holiday’s folks...I am sure we all share the same pain. Yes, there will be happy moments...like when I have had 8 glasses of wine and no longer care where I am.

For the moment though I think I shall go meditate and savor the last few moments of peace for the week. How did ya'll let me agree to this fiasco in waiting? Where's the love people? I'm needing some love...and a very stiff drink!

Happy Pre-Thanksgiving Monday! May you and yours survive the chaos and the turkey!

AM