I was talking to one of my customers today; we’ll call him “Dan”.

Dan has been my client for almost 4 years. He’s one of my favorites! Dan is almost 70, and is from the Deep South. He moved here from Alabama in the 1980’s. He has quite a “colorful” personality.

So after we finished talking about business, and set up our meeting at my office next week.….this is how the rest of the conversation went.

Dan: When I come to the office next week I’m bringin’ you some fish.

A.M.: Excuse me?

Dan: I’m going to bring you some fish. What you don’t like the fish???

A.M.: No, no I like fish.

Dan: I’ve got too much fish, so I’m going to bring some to you.

A.M.: Emm, Errr…Okay?

Dan; You know my son? The slow one… whose wife just ran off with some bastard? (Nice huh?)

A.M.: Yes.

Dan: Well, I took him fishing. We got too much fish now. So, I want to give you some of the fish.

A.M. (Thinking in my head: Gee, what more could a girl want and dream for?) Great! That sounds great! *shaking my head no*

Dan: You have a big freezer?

A.M. (I hesitate to answer) Yeah, kinda… I guess.

Dan: Ok, good. I’ll bring you the fish next week. I’ll put it in one of those ice coolers.

Oh GAWD!!!!

How much fish is this man planning on bringing me???? I’m scared ya’ll! And I can just hear the jokes my fellow co-workers will have with this one! A.M. and her cooler of “the fish”! It will never end!


Dan has always given me weird gifts. He’s a sweet guy, but sometimes he makes me stop and go.....WHAT?????

So, anyone want some of “the fish”? I’m scared he’s going to bring me a lifetime supply!

Okay ya’ll I am a complete idiot!

I cut my foot tonight. I went to reach for the red wine vinegar to whip up some dressing, and it fell to the floor. A shard of glass stuck into the side of my ankle. The blood was flowin' like a river!

This shouldn't be a big deal. It wouldn't be, if I were not the queasiest squeamish girl on the planet!! The mere sight of blood and I am out cold. Sometimes if I am really lucky I throw up before I pass out! Bonus!

So, I'm sitting there crying, my daughter is screaming, "Mommy, pull the glass out! Mommy get a band aid!"

Mommy is sitting on the floor like a big wimpy baby!! Every single time I went to pull it out the spewing blood made me feel like I was going to black out.

Breathe in, Breathe out. You can do this A.M.! It's just a little piece of freakin' glass! A piece of glass drowning in blood! Woozy! I was feeling woozy!

I sat there on the kitchen floor for a good 15 minutes. I knew I had to yank it out, but I was afraid I might just have to leave it in there for the rest of my life.

So, I close my eyes, and decide to feel my way through the situation. Out of sight, out of mind, right? My hands were sweaty, my heart felt like it was in my brain, and I was breathing like a winded whore!

First yank...nothing. That stubborn piece of glass was still stuck in my damn ankle. It's taunting me. Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah...you can't get me I'm the Gingerbread man!

Second yank....success! Thank GAWD!

And then my dumb ass looks down at my hand, now covered in blood. And that's all she wrote people. And then there was only black...

When I came to a minute or so later my poor daughter was in a frenzied panic. She was running around screaming and crying. Poor baby. I had told her if by some chance Mommy fell over and looked like she was sleeping, that Mommy had just passed out, and not to worry. Well, she was worried. I think I just scarred her for life!

It took me another 10-15 minutes to gather up the courage to get the cut cleaned and bandaged. God, I am a big wussy pants! Not the girl you want at your side in a medical emergency that much I assure you!

Anyone want a piece of glass??? Just kidding.

I feel sooooo much better today! I got 6 hours of sleep! Yay Me! *Doing Happy Dance*

I was thinking last night about my High School years. After reading some of these old notes and journal entries I was reminded of some of the very stupid things I did in my teenage years! I also came to realize that I was a tad bit on the devious/evil side! Hard to believe huh?

Frankly, I am amazed I survived those 4 years because I believed back then that I had the whole Superman Invincibility Narcissistic Bad Ass thing going on.

Thought I'd share a few of my "finer" teenage moments here so ya'll can enjoy my complete stupidity!


I got drunk with my whole cheerleading squad right before a Pep Rally. Strawberry Hill people, yup, we sprang for the good stuff!

All would have been cool had "Light Weight Lucy" been able to hold her liquor! Instead she tossed her cookies in the middle of our routine. Busted! Suspended for 3 days and they called our parents. Dad kicked my ass!

One night I took my very new Mustang out to the "Boonies" with friends to drink beer. I had been forbidden to go out there, but those rules didn't apply to Moi! NO, that house rule certainly was made for my stupid brothers!

Pretty car got stuck in mud...up to the freakin' door! While trying to get it out, we blew the transmission. Had to call Dad. Dad kicked my ass again!

I snuck my parent’s cars out a good 50-75 times. Half of those times I didn't even have my license yet! OH MY GAWD! I was a stupid, stupid girl! Had I ever been caught, wrecked a car, or gone to jail...I dare say I would not be alive writing this blog!


Was driving around with friends one night drinking beer. (I am in no way condoning drinking and driving, or drinking in general. I'm just relaying how STUPID I was back then!So, please no lectures! LOL) Someone (most likely the smartest one) decided it would be "funny" to toss our empty beer cans out the sun roof!

Brilliant idea I say! As our luck would have it, the car behind us that was "catching" our cans was an unmarked cop car!

Got pulled over. He called our parents. Dad kicked my ass again!

I had a really wild party when my folks were out of town one summer. It was a 4 day ongoing party! Rock-N-Roll!

Mom and Dad came home a day early. Needless to say they were not amused when they walked into what I had transformed into "Hell House"!

Dad kicked my ass again. Mom found a condom wrapper (wasn't mine people!) in one of the bedroom two days later....Dad kicked my ass again!

I had a really bitchy evil English teacher my Senior Year. This lady was a bitter, bitter soul! She hated all of us for reasons still unknown today! Some people should not teach!

On Teacher Appreciation Day we made her some special Ex-Lax brownies! She was not at school the next day! Gawd, we were evil, evil little people. For shame!

I was making out in the car with my first serious boyfriend. Nothing like a good make out session to steam up the windows, making it near impossible to see your surroundings!!

Therefore, we were unable to see Mr. Police Officer until he was tapping on the window! He called our parents. Doh!

Dad kicked my ass again, and then he gave me the Birds and Bees talk! Gross!

In my Junior year I had a Biology teacher named "Mr. Cheese". In hindsight "Mr. Cheese" was a pervert and most likely would not be teaching today cuz he'd be in jail!

He loved us girls, and sadly we worked that to our evil benefit! Yuck! I constantly showed up late for class, skipped class, didn't do assignments. I so should have failed that class!

But, no. Instead, I got my "A" by doing a little flirting and threw in occasional batches of home made cookies! "Mr. Cheese" loved to eat!

That last one has me feeling a wee bit ashamed and "dirty".

Anyway, I think the above stories are enough for today. I wouldn't want to taint my angelic image here in the stream!

In conclusion, those notes and journal entries showed me I was a stupid, stupid, evil little girl! Don't tell anyone....

M’kay....(In the words of Mr. Garrison LOL)

Since I have been homebound for the past few days, and I’m overly tired, and going STIR CRAZY…I decided to torture myself a little further! Why not???

I started cleaning out the closet underneath the stairway today. This closet is huge, and quite frankly I have not “ventured” into it in quite some time. It’s kind of scary people!

Cleaning out this closet was like taking a walk into the past. I found a lot of junk, but I came across a lot of “priceless” treasures as well. I’m a sentimental person believe it or not!

Here’s a list of some of the things I stumbled across today:

My Trunk:

This trunk holds everything precious from my High School years. Boxes of notes from friends, old love letters from cute boys, year books, and countless pictures! OH MY GAWD, it was like stepping into a time warp. The notes and love letters were especially amusing to me. Man, the things I “deemed” important back then…too funny!

8 Track Tapes:

That’s right….8 Tracks! Some of the prize possessions in this collection were:

Olivia Newton John
The Bee-Gee’s
Sgt. Pepper and the Lonely Hearts Band
Shawn Cassidy
Grease
(Oh, how much I wanted to be Olivia Newton John in those black hot pants! LOL)
Dooly Parton
There are 19 total. I’m so gonna have to find an 8 track player on eBay! Cool beans!

Uniform Box:

My Brownie and Girl Scout Uniforms! I was quite the Scout! Lots of badges. See, NB, I was a good girl at one point! LOL

My plaid skirt from private school days and the red pull over sweater that Mom had monogrammed with my initials. Man, I loved that sweater, I so thought I was hot shit when I wore that with my plaid skirt and saddle oxfords! LOL

My cheerleading uniform! I tried to put this baby on! I weighed about a buck 5 in High School, and try as I might there was no way this puppy was going to slide over my 125 pound ass now! And man it was really short! I think I must have given lots of boys quite the show in my cheerleading days! No wonder my Dad always hated this uniform! LOL

My old Teddy Bear:

My grandpa gave me this brown bear when I was born. I called him “Brownie" cuz he was brown! I was an original child huh? LOL! My grandpa died when I was 5. This Bear was my blankey, my everything, until I was about 11.

Somehow I had remembered “Brownie” differently. He’s kind of a mess now. He’s missing an eye, and some of his fur, and there is something sticky on him! Did I try to eat him at one point? Mmmmm.... And he’s acquired a strange smell…”Brownie” quite frankly offends!

My Wedding Dress & Wedding Pictures:

Ok, I’m not sure why I held on to this bad boy. I did love this dress, but looking at it seems so weird to me! It’s almost as if it could never have been me who wore it! I think I originally saved this for my daughter…but now I am thinking it might be good kindling for a cold night! Wow.......what a lifetime ago!!

The wedding pictures seem even more strange. I saved these for Doodle Bug too. Her Dad hasn’t seen her since she was a baby, and I figured some day she’s going to want to know what the Dirt Clod looks like. So, I kept them. It will sound bad when I say this…but I burned all other pictures of my EX and I. Hey, I was bitter back then. In hind sight I wish I had not....well, maybe.....LOL!!

Tapes from Grandma:

My Grandma had Parkinson’s terribly bad in the last few years of her life. She and I used to write letters all of the time. When the disease made it impossible for her to read and write, she and I started making taped letters for each other. I had forgotten I had these. I don’t have a tape player anymore, so I borrowed my neighbors today and listened to these tapes. I’m so glad I have them. I haven’t heard her voice since I was 22 years old. Somehow I felt like she was right beside me.

Anyway, those are just a few of the many treasures I found. Not a thrilling blog post, but I’m running on empty here. I don’t consider myself a pack rat at all, but for the life of me I have never been able to throw away anything of sentimental value. Any of you do the same?????

OH MY GAWD!

I need sleep. I need sleep in the worstest of ways! I have had about 8 hours now in 3 days! I think my brain is getting ready to leave me.

Woke up after my 3 hour slumber. Stumbled into the bathroom.

*screaming* Oh shit, who the hell is that scary- ass woman in the mirror gawking at me??? That can’t be me!! This lady would scare away small children and animals!

My hair is sticking out like I stuck my whole hand in the electrical socket! This would be a great look if I was planning on attending a 70’s theme party, with my trusty old roller skates! No way am I getting a brush through this bad boy!

Crap! Are those black circles under my eyes or did a football player “grease” me while I was sleeping?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Is that a zit on my chin? I haven’t had a zit since 1988.

Got to get in the shower. Awww..I love my new shower head. I think it’s my new best friend. Peace and relaxation.

Then like an idiot, I look down. OH GAWD! The Redwood Forest is growing on my legs! Man, I am going to have to shave. Spend the next few minutes shaving my left leg, and cursing the reasons why women have to shave….men, men, and men!

Wait a second…I don’t have a man. Screw it! I’m not shaving the other leg. I get out of the shower somehow pleased with myself. Sad, huh?

Should dry my hair. Nah, that’s why God invented banana clips!

Should get dressed. Forget that too! I put on a clean pair of flannels. Might as well be comfy in my state of delusion!

Doodlebug is up. She is feeling a little better, but still under the weather.

I sit with her on the couch. I know I must be losing it because I am actually getting “into” Blues Clues. I find myself anxiously awaiting the next clue! GO BLUE! GO! Wonder what’s up next??? Hopefully, an action filled Sesame Street Adventure!

Pull out lap top. Check work emails. 31 new messages. These losers need lives. I reply to 4 of them. Screw it!

Go to make some hot tea! Hot tea container empty. *kicking the cabinets* GAWD! My world is crumbling! Help!

Should call the office. But why bother? It will take a matter of an hour until those jerk wads start ringing my cell phone like it’s the White House!

Nope, I am going to sit right here, and do nothing. I can no longer hold a complete thought. I’d eat something but I am afraid if I did, I would fall asleep from the exertion of chewing and choke and FREAKIN’ DIE!

Help me! I beg of you!