Okay, if you read my blog you know that I don't usually write about anything serious. My life seems to be an endless amount of trial and error...leaning more on the error side!
Well, tonight I am going to go on the serious side, and I need some advice from those of you in the "stream". I've got something on my mind and quite frankly I am at a loss...perhaps you wonderful people can help me sort out my head! Scary job huh?
I've been thinking about someone tonight. Someone I have known going on 7 years. Someone who recently turned my world upside down, and I have no idea what to do.
I met him 7 years ago. I was just getting out of the marriage from hell, and was in no way ready to date. He was cool with that, and we became fast friends.
He and I share a bond that defies amost of what I know. He's sexy beyond words, incredibly witty and funny, charming almost to a fault, and an amazing father to his son.
Every time we hang out or talk it's like slipping into your favorite worn out jeans...they just fit right everywhere.
Over the years we have developed an amazing relationship. We talk all the time, email each other, send text messages etc...
All of our friends have asked us for years why we don't date. They all think we'd be an amazing couple. We've even had waitresses and bartenders tell us we are a cute couple. We always smile, and make jokes about it...but it happens all the time!
We've never dated for many reasons. When I was finally ready to date he was with someone, and when he was single I was with someone. It's just been that way since we have known each other.
I saw him a few weeks ago. I had not seen him since the end of Jan., but we talk several times a week. Something just happens when we are actually "together". It's like no matter where we are, or who is around...it's somehow just us. It sounds cheesy, but we somehow create our own world. Everyone else around us suddenly become just visitors.
Our inside jokes that bring us to tears of laughter, our goofy pet names, and endless stories are enough to drive everyone around us bonkers...but we relish it in a way I cannot explain, or that we have ever discussed.
It just is. It's just like that. Simple and easy. And now not simple. And it's killing me.
We ended up hanging out that night until the wee hours of the morning. Laughing and talking the way we always do, and always have done.
At the end of the night I walked him to the door. He hugged me the way he always does, but this time he lingered a bit. And then out of nowhere the boy just kissed me.
Not a little kiss, not a peck on the cheek, but a deep passionate kiss that literally left me breathless. I am not sure I have ever been kissed like that before...if I have I cannot recall it.
There was an awkward moment and then we said good-night. He said he'd call me the next day, and true to his word he did call.
I however did not return that call, or the five calls that followed. I did respond to his emails, but with short replies, lying and just telling him I was really busy with work and DB etc..
He knows better. Hell, I think he knows me better than friends I have had all my life.
Because every time I talk to him or am with him I can be me. Simply myself, with no walls, no pretenses...just me. And if you knew me this is amazing...as I am quite the handful.
Well, he just called, and again being the coward I am I let it go to voice mail. And he said basically this to me:
AM, I know you haven't called because of the kiss. I know because you always call me. I know because I know you, and sometimes I feel like I have always known you.
I am sorry if that kiss upset you, or has changed anything between us. I never wanted that to happen. I just had to kiss you. I have wanted to kiss you since the day I met you, and a million times after.
I love you. But you already know that. But AM, I don't just love you, I'm in love with you. I have been for longer than I can tell you or longer than I could tell myself.
If you don't feel any of these things it's okay. It really is, but please say something. You've never shut me out and I don't want you to now. If you are as scared as I am, than we can talk about it. If you felt anything like I did than please let me know. Either way we can figure this out. But we have to talk. Please, please just call.
He's right. Always freaking' is right. I didn't call back cuz I was scared. I mean it was more than a kiss. I cannot explain it. And I know that I stand at the cross roads of two different paths.
One path could take him and me to a wonderful place. I have known him long enough to know that if we ever crossed the line we have danced around and over for years that we could have something amazing! I know this is true. I could say right now that he could just well be "The One".
But the other path scares me all the more. The path that might take us to a place where it doesn't work out. The path where I would lose someone who brings so much light and laughter into my life. And if that was ever taken away from me....it would shatter my heart into a million pieces.
I'm at a loss here. What do I do? I would call my friends, but we share too many mutual friends that it would be a bad idea. Someone would slip up and say something.
So, my fellow streamers....if you have any advice for me....I would be very grateful.
Going to go put on some Frank Sinatra, pour a glass of wine, and try to drum up the courage to call him.
Or maybe just stare into space and think about it some more...
