Ok, I consider myself to be a pretty darn laid back Gal! It really does take a lot to get me angry or upset. Today, I'm at my boiling point.
I do not normally rant and rave, but if I don't get this out I fear I might explode and add to the art work DB has placed on the windows!
So, if you are looking for a happy-go-lucky email from me today guys, I am sorry it isn't happening. I'm so upset right now I don't if I should just beat my head against the concrete to knock myself out, or just break down and cry.
Today I am feeling lost beyond words.
I have been dealing with Dirt Clod this morning. For those of you who don't know Dirt Clod is my Ex-Husband. He's as worthless as a chunk of dirt. No, I'm not just the bitter Ex-Wife. There are good reasons....read on.
My Ex and I are getting ready to go back to court and this will be loads of "FUN" for many reasons.
There are reasons he's an Ex, and I am going to share them here. I warn you they aren't pretty and they are somewhat disturbing.
I left Dirt Clod when my daughter was 4 months old. Why? Because he abused DB to the point of almost killing her.
DB was a victim of Shaken Baby Syndrome. For those of you who don't know much about this type of abuse, I can tell you first hand it is horrible beyond words.
One day while I was getting ready for a class my Ex and I were taking together, he sat and fed DB her bottle. Suddenly he was screaming that the baby was choking. I ran into the room, and DB was blue and not breathing.
I picked up the phone to call 911, and the operator was trying to walk me through infant CPR, but I was so hysterical I couldn't think straight.
I was crying and screaming and holding my limp 4 month old daughter in my arms. I just knew in my heart she was dead.
As soon as the ambulance pulled up DB took a breath. I still shake when talking about this. The paramedics looked her over and said she was fine, and that sometimes babies eat too fast and it was okay. They seriously even made jokes about us being "First Time" parents, and laughed.
They told us to take DB to the ER just to make sure none of the formula had gotten in her lungs. So of course we did. That was the last moment of what was then my life. It would never be the same. Not for me, not for DB, not for anyone in my family.
They did X-rays on DB and realized she had fractured ribs. They did further tests and realized she had retinal hemorrhaging, a skull fracture, and bleeding in her brain. I cannot even begin to express to you the horrors and heartaches that followed.
There were no bruises on DB, no signs. They had to be wrong, for surely, I her Mother would know if something was wrong. I have learned through many years of education on Shaken Baby Syndrome that there are rarely signs...they aren't there until it's just too late.
My Ex confessed to doing this to her. A moment frozen forever in my brain. I was in shock, and denial for a long time. How could this man, who I had known and loved for 5 years be capable of this? He never even raised his voice, let a lone a hand to anyone. Yet, he confessed to doing the most horrific things to our daughter.
Even all this time later I have yet to be able to read through his confession to the police, or watch it on the video. Each time I have tried at various stages since it occurred, I have to stop. It horrifies me, and I begin crying to the point of being sick. I'm not sure I ever want to know it all.
I spent years trying to understand why he did it. I came to realize I will never understand. There is no explanation behind it. I had to let that part go so that I could move on.
He was arrested on 3 felony counts of child abuse. It started the longest two years of my life.
The doctors told me there was nothing they could do for DB. That only time would tell if she would heal. They kept telling me she would never be a normal child, would never develop properly, could die in her sleep, or at anytime. And all I could do as her Mother was sit and wait..and pray.
The first year it was doctors appointments every week, and a physical child therapist who worked with DB in my home twice a week. It was sleepless nights...I would sleep on the floor beside her crib in constant fear that she would stop breathing.
Every time DB spit up or coughed...I FREAKED out. I cried. I was constantly worried, and constantly felt helpless. I had let this beautiful little girl down by not being able to protect her from someone I thought loved her as much as I.
There were Criminal proceedings, Civil proceedings, and Divorce Trials. He moved to Florida after he made bail, and getting him back here for any of the above took an act of God and the arm of the law.
It seemed it would never end. All the while I gave everything I had to making sure DB would be better, and be a normal healthy child. I never lost faith in it, even when doctors shook their heads and told me it was foolish to have so much hope.
Hope...there is always hope. And isn't that what a Mother does? She never gives up for her child...she fights for them when they are too weak or young to do it themselves. She is the voice for the child who doesn't have one. She stands beside them always, and covers them with the love only a Mother can. There was always hope...and often I hated those doctors for telling me otherwise.
DB finally was getting better. In fact she was starting to shock all the doctors who had been treating her. She defied logic in this situation.
There were victims of Shaken Baby with far fewer injuries that were vegetables now, or even dead. Not DB. She healed in ways I cannot explain. I don't want to explain. She was then and will always be my "Miracle Baby". She's a fighter; she was touched by something far greater than a doctor’s hand.
Dirt Clod got 10 years deferred judification for the horrors he inflicted on his daughter. Money can buy anything I guess. At the criminal trial before sentencing my family and I were allowed to give Victim Impact Statements.
My mother gave hers; my father gave his as well. I stood up and told the judge I had 2 statements to read. He looked at me with a puzzled expression.
"Sir, I have one to read from me, and one to read from my daughter."
The judge’s face grew quiet. "Ma'am, you're daughter isn't old enough to talk or write."
I looked at him, fighting back every tear that was about to erupt in me....
"Yes, sir I know. But she has a voice too. She is the real victim here, and she needs to be heard."
The judge sat for a moment and pondered it I guess. And then he said okay.
I read mine first. My Ex sat in front of me as I cried and choked my way through the words. He never blinked. He never showed any emotion. He stared at me as if I were some kind of alien.
Then I read my daughters statement. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. Some day I might share that statement here with you guys.
The whole courtroom was in tears. Even the judge's eyes watered. Words are powerful. It was all I had left to express to the man in front of me the pain, the anguish, the loss he created in the life of a beautiful little girl.
He never showed emotion. Again, blank like a piece of paper.
That was the last time I saw him. It took me months to get over that courtroom experience. He has never apologized for what he has done. He's only made excuses.
If I had been a better wife he says it wouldn't have happened. If she hadn't cried all of the time (she had colic) it wouldn't have happened. Never once...not once....did he own any of it.
For those reasons I hate him. I know forgiveness is the right thing, and perhaps that will come in time. But even after all these years I am not even close to that point.
So, going back to court in two weeks is going to be hard on many levels. I don't want to relive this. It's going to be hard on me.
He could just pay the child support and avoid this, but he chooses not to. Not because he doesn't have the money. But in his words because he feels since he can't see her, he shouldn’t have to pay. He never asks about her...never. It's as if she was never born in his eyes.
It sickens me.
So, I am heading to court again to be the voice for a little girl who doesn't have one. I'm scared...I don't want to relive this all, but i know I must do it.
He's not worried about court because he says DB is fine now. And she is. She's beautiful, intelligent (A Honor Roll), outgoing, athletic...all the things they told me she would never be.
There are no traces of the abuse in her physically. She doesn't recall any of it. She was too young. I am thankful for that. But if that Dirt Clod honestly believes that after all of this time, that there are no traces of the violence he inflicted on her...he should listen to her prayers at night...
"Dear God, please make Daddy better so that I can have a Dad."
It's always haunting us. Yet, DB and I are strong, and we are doing well, and together she and I will find a way to finally put it all at rest.
Yet, all these years later I am still amazed at how the actions of one person, and one moment can change the lives of so many forever.
Thanks for listening. I had to get it out.
Enjoy every moment you have...you truly never know when the next moment will change your life forever.
*pinch*
What are you going to do with
