Well, I think my boyfriend has finally lost it! It must have been the weekend of fun with my family that finally pushed the boy over the edge!!

Perhaps this early Texas heat wave has melted the man's brain turning him into a mindless blob of goo! Not sure what's going on but something is certainly "amiss"!

"R" informed me last night that his company is having a golf tournament this weekend. That's cool. I told him he would have a great time as he thinks he's a Tiger Woods in training!

Then he tells me that he wants me to go with him. This is cool too. I would love to go watch him play and meet people that he works with...again no big deal.

But then the boy told me he wants me to play with him!

Certainly he must be kidding! He must have a secret crack habit I am unaware of! I mean come on...you do not, and I repeat DO NOT ask someone like me to play golf with you. And if you had the slightest amount of "brain" power you would never ask me to play at a company function!

I lived on a golf course for three years and the closest I came to enjoying this sport was throwing the golf balls that landed in my yard back to the annoying idiots on the course. If I hit one of them I awarded myself bonus points! When I moved I swore to God I would never ever live on or near a golf course again.

I have been to a driving range three or four times in my life and it was never enjoyable for me or any of the poor souls at the range with me. In fact while at the range I created my own bad words, and scared many a man back to his car in fear of his safety. I am shocked the owners of the driving range didn't give me a lifetime ban!

Hell, I wouldn't even want to play miniature golf with me! When I take DB for an outing of mini golf the patrons flee with their families with a panic that resembles something from The War of the Worlds!

So, knowing that I suck big time at this sport why would my boyfriend ask me to play? Does he have a death wish? Does he enjoy the humiliation of watching one's girlfriend make a complete ass out of herself?

Maybe he thinks it will be amusing watching me whack at a little ball whilst using words that might make a sailor blush. I am sure it would be no big deal if one of my balls actually got some "air" and made contact with the head of his CEO or the wife of some VP!

Maybe he's just looking for a way to get fired. Take your stupid girlfriend to the company golf tournament....lose your job. That must be it.

I told him I would be more than happy to go with him and even drive him around in the golf cart. I could handle that responsibility. Just sit, drive and look cute.

I have begged him to please not make me do this. I have offered to do ANYTHING else for him. But the boy isn't budging. He thinks I am exaggerating how bad I actually am at golf. I wish he was right. He is just so clueless.

So, it appears that I will be making an ass out of myself on Saturday. I guess I better stock up on helmets and pass them around to his co-workers before we step foot on hole one. I hope after Saturday he still has a job and I still have a boyfriend.


Hopefully the new four letter words I create will fall on deaf ears. Maybe no one will notice that it takes me 85 strokes to get my ball 10 feet down the course. Perhaps this "outing" will bring "R" and I closer.

Beware people. AM is coming to a golf course near you. Be afraid. Run for your lives now. Save yourself and your children.

Dating is over rated. Maybe I am better off single?!? At least then no one has to worry about bodily harm!

AM

Well, it's Monday....again. Wasn't it just Monday like a week ago or something??

It was a very busy weekend. I am now trying to detox from a weekend of "family" fun! I think I had the shakes about an hour ago, and I am positive that I just took my first deep breath after lunch.

I love my family. I do. I have been blessed with two great parents who have been married for almost 43 years, two brothers I am very close to, and their wives, and a hand full of nieces and nephews. I am lucky....but sometimes that "luck" rears its ugly head and bites you in the ass!

Friday night I wanted so much to get out of taking "R" to family dinner. I begged him to let me call and say I had a terrible case of the Monkey Pox, or tell them I was really a double agent and was being sent to a foreign country for a top secret assignment. He would have none of that. What a kill joy!

When we first arrived all seemed okay and normal. I should have known this was the quiet before the storm. I should have known after 34 years they were just slowly getting into "character" and easing into the night’s entertainment!

The first hour was totally cool. We all had some wine, sat and talked. I was thinking this is easy. Why was I sweating it so much?

Then we sat down at the dining room table. I should have known my Brady Bunch Rejects were just waiting until I had a mouth full of food to start making me wish I was in Siberia.

I guess they had taken a vote before we arrived and decided it would be funny to start our meal with stories of all the stupid things I have done since birth. You know get the boy warmed up for the kill!

And apparently there are a lot of stupid stories. I wasn't aware until Friday that I had apparently spent most of my life being a dumb ass and the center of so much of their entertainment. I was obviously better than a sitcom.

Was it necessary to tell him about all the losers I have dated? Was it relevant that my brothers inform him that they stopped using my boyfriend’s names a long time ago, and instead now use a number system?? Jokingly giving him #98???

I am sure there was a point to the story of how my Dad had to drive down to the University I was attending my Junior year and bring me home for a semester because I apparently thought "Partying" was actually "Studying".

I am sure "R" wanted to know that on the day of my college graduation they weren't just celebrating my new status of college Grad, but instead just thanking God it was finally over and that I didn't make it an 8 year plan instead of the 7 year plan I was on! Apparently my graduation was deemed some holy miracle by the Vatican!

I am certain that my Mom telling "R" how surprised she is that I have yet to remarry was a "need to have discussion"!

I believe that when she said she hopes to "Live" to see the day I walk down the aisle (AGAIN) that she was in no way trying to pressure the poor boy, but only taking the advice of Dr. Phil and being "open" with her feelings and "keeping it real".

I am sure that when my brother asked "R" if he'd be around for 4th of July at our lake house he wasn't insinuating that the boy would be long gone by then, he actually just thought the boy was a busy guy.

The stories were endless. I must have had 4 glasses of wine, while they all spewed their little "jokes" and tales. It was like a bad episode of Jerry Springer without the rumbles!

I was scanning the table for anything that could be used as a weapon in my defense.

Perhaps a dinner roll would look nice thrown at the face of my oldest brother who apparently had not taken a vow of silence when he joined the "Band of Idiots".

Mashed potatoes would look wonderful being catapulted across the table at my dear sweet Mom who couldn't bring herself to stop with the stories of me and my adventures through single hood.

And I am 100% positive that the fresh green beans would toss quite nicely at the bald head of my other brother who thought I was actually "enjoying" the dinner conversation.

And then there was "R". My sweet, cute new man. Was he afraid? Was he ready to run for the hills? Of course not. The boy was in some very disturbed version of "heaven". I do not think I have ever seen him giggle so much or so freaking loud!

You think he could have tried to change the subject once or twice. Perhaps talk about what a hot summer we might have, or how much he likes the Rangers.

But no. Instead he absorbed it all like a little sponge. My "whacked" out family gave him enough ammo to use against me until the next Ice Age. The jokes will never stop now. Nope. They will spread like the plague.

I wanted to end the evening early. Apparently no one else did. So, I sat through 5 FREAKING LONG ASS hours of "family fun time"!

And just when I thought it was safe to get back into the "water", my Mother ruined all hopes for the rest of the weekend.

Mom: "R" do you have plans for Easter Sunday?

I shot him death rays. I shook my head "yes" a million times. He must have not seen me (NOT) because he turned to her and smiled and replied with:

R: No, Ma'am I don't.

Mom: Well, you do now. I would love for you to join us for the holiday.

AM:

R: I would love to.

If no one had been looking I would have dropped kicked his ass. Yet all their little beady scheming eyes were upon me. Their smiles curved up like the Grinch, and the smell of evil planning in the air.

Apparently I was giving these pathetic souls a weekend of enjoyment at my expense. And I think they somehow derive a very wicked nasty thrill from it all.

So we left dinner. I buried my head in the sand, and started prepping myself for the "Martha Stewart Gone Wrong" holiday approaching us. I knew it wouldn't disappoint.

And Easter Sunday...well, that is a story for another day. It may take me years before I am able to put that one into words.

Hope everyone is doing well today and that you all had a wonderful holiday weekend.

Anyone out there want to rent my family for a month or two? I will take care of all shipping costs!

AM

Well, it's Friday and there's no work for me today as our office is closed! Can I get an Amen and Alleluia, people?? It's all about the little things sometimes.

Ok, it appears that I have been tricked into the family dinner tonight with "R"! I am honestly not even sure how it happened, but someone clearly must have impersonated me on the phone with my Mom last night. Or maybe it was the all out bravery the wine provided my dumb ass! Everything always sounds "Do-able" after a few glasses of Vino! Tisk, tisk! Someone just slap me now!

Lesson #295,000 learned... no more wine for me....ever! Now, it appears I will be dining with my crazy family and my new boyfriend long before I planned to partake in this "wonderful" experience!

My sister-in-law (whom I adore) called this morning.

S: AM, did you really agree to bring the poor boy to dinner tonight?

AM: *stuttering* Maybe.

S: Are you insane?

AM: DUH!!!

S: I thought we discussed it was too soon to officially scare the boy.

AM: I know, I know.

S: You have deviated from the plan girlfriend. No turning back now.

AM:

S: What happened? Did she trick you? Put the guilt on even thicker?

AM: No. *shaking head* *slamming head on kitchen counter*

S: Then what happened? I believe your exact words were you would "cave" to her request when Hell freezes over!?!

AM: Funny thing that global warming.

S: No turning back now. I hope the boy has a good sense of humor and a tolerance for the crazy.

AM:

S: I am shocked that you gave in on this one.

AM: It was the wine okay? I had some wine last night and I was feeling all super cool and invincible to anything...even HER! Why didn't you stop me? How could you let me do this?? I think I am going to cry....

S: *giggle, giggle* Oh you stupid, stupid girl. Don't you know that rule #1 in wine drinking is to never, and I stress the word never talk to your Mother?

AM: Must have been sick that day in class.

S: Now you know. Ya know...for next time.

AM: UGH!

So it is...what it is. Lucky "R" and I will dine along side the overly nosey, chatty, and embarrassing family unit this evening. I can't wait! Can you hear the excitement oozing out of my very being?

I told "R" this morning that perhaps we should stop at the local bar and do a few shots of tequila before our scheduled stop at Hell House. The boy laughed as if I was KIDDING!

I was like, "Seriously, Honey, if we get wasted before we go it won't be so bad. It will still be kind of bad, but at least we'll be numb to the pain!"

He didn't buy it. Damn. I am going to have to spike his Dr. Pepper before we leave.

Some day I shall learn...apparently some day is not today!


Say a prayer for me tonight. Or you can stop and think that what ever you are doing, no matter what it is...will be better than what I am doing. Then you can line up to slap me...one by one until I get the fact that I am a stupid, stupid girl!

On a side note: My meeting with Dirt Clod went as well as can be expected yesterday. I promise to write about it in a day or two when it's all soaked into this little brain of mine. Today however is just not the day for it. And Friday is meant to be a happy day of the week. Perhaps I will save the story for my "favorite" day of the week....Monday!

Hope everyone is having a great Friday! Going to go visit you streamers. This week has been so crazy that I have not had much time to blog and catch up.

Welcome back, Night Bug! It's about damn time you return! I have been in dire need of your warped sense of humor! I have been saving the fruit cake just for you!

AM

Just a quick note here as time seems to be getting the best of me this week. Life is in full speed and the longer days seem to bring longer hours of "stuff" to do!

As I sit and write DB is finishing homework and dinner is on the stove. "R" will be here shortly to eat dinner with us, and there is a pile of work staring me down as I speak! Make it go away please!

I wish there were more hours in the day! I guess I need to start waking up at 3 am and going to bed at midnight. I might stand a chance of getting everything accomplished that way! Or I might go totally bonkers! On second thought that would not be much different than my "norm"! What is normal anyway???

I get to see my Ex-Husband (a.k.a. Dirt Clod) tomorrow for our meeting before we head back to court. Gee, I can't wait! Nothing like sitting in a conference room with someone who makes your skin crawl to "brighten" your day!

I will be happy when it is all said and done. Please keep me in your thoughts tomorrow as you know how difficult a situation this is for me. I can use all the positive thoughts you have to spare!

And please pray that you don't turn on CNN tomorrow and see me going POSTAL! I am going to have to dig deep to find ways to not lose it tomorrow. Wish he'd just move to Antarctica or someplace far, far away!

I hope you all are doing well. I have a very quiet night planned tomorrow and I plan on stopping by and catching up with all of you. I miss reading your blogs!

Take care out there.

AM

As The World Turns....this is my life! I swear I live the life of a soap opera gone wrong!

Hey, I know life isn't always simple and quiet. I accepted this little lesson years ago. But some days I wonder how the "other half" lives!

It started with DB last night. She had gone to play at a friend’s house. I was in the kitchen making dinner when I heard her come inside.

She walks around the corner and I almost dropped the frying pan. My little angel (NOT) was standing before me looking like a very scary version of the Swamp Thing!

She is soaking wet, and covered...I mean covered head to toe in mud! She is wearing a BRAND FREAKING NEW white Ralph Lauren sweat suit...and now it is a beautiful shade of...dirt!

I can hardly see her eyes, she is dripping gunk all over the kitchen, and I am scared to even see the trail of mud she made from the front door to get her dirty little self in here!

AM: OH MY GAWD DB! What in the world happened to you?

DB: I fell in a little puddle?

AM: A little puddle DB? You are covered head to toe in mud!! Look at you!

DB: I can't see me.

She starts to walk to the bathroom. I pull her by her once white jacket hood!

AM: DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT move!

DB: But I gotta pee.

AM: Should have thought about that before you went mud surfing.

She is now bouncing around doing the potty dance, while little pieces of mud fling on the floor and walls. Nothing like mud wall art!!!

DB: I fell in a puddle Momma.

AM: Where? Where was this puddle? In the bayou?

DB: In my friend’s yard.

AM: We haven't had any rain DB! How was there a puddle?

DB: We made one.

AM:

DB: Are you okay Momma?

AM:

DB: You mad Momma?

AM:

DB: Momma, I gotta pee!

AM:

I instruct the puddle maker to go to the bathroom and get undressed and go pee before we have another "puddle" issue to deal with! There is mud everywhere. The new sweat suit is ruined, and it takes me almost an hour to get her cleaned up and the house cleaned up as well.

The joys of motherhood!

And then this morning I had a meeting with a few of my employees who decided that being "present" was not really important! I mean yesterday they were all bouncing off the walls with "happiness" and today it is like talking to the living dead!

I spend an hour talking with them about our upcoming sales meeting. I really am spending an hour talking to the air! La-La-La!

My mother called and wants us to come for dinner Friday night and invite "R"! Yeah, right like that is going to happen. She spends a good 15 minutes on the phone talking about how important it is for my folks to get to know him! She acts like we are getting married or something.

AM: Mom, stop talking like we are heading towards the "altar"!

Mom: You never know!

AM: We just started dating Mom.

Mom: God has plans!

AM: And we have "plans" for Friday night.

Mom: I guess if you have something more important to do that's fine.

The guilt trip! Got to love the guilt trip!
I know if I don't at least throw an "I'll see what I can do" out there that this conversation will never end. So, I lie.

AM: We'll see.

Mom: Thanks. He could be my future son-in-law!

AM: OH GAWD! Mom we aren't getting married anytime soon. We're just sleeping together!

Mom: AM! AM! Stop it!

Had to throw it out there. Had to get the woman to end the conversation so I could get back to work. I am sure she went pale as I spoke the words. They just flew out before I could stop myself.

Mom; It's no wonder I pray for you all of the time!

AM: Mom, I was just kidding. I swear.

Mom: I do not appreciate your sense of humor.

AM: I am sorry. (not really)

Mom: I have to go.

AM: Ok, bye.

Mission accomplished! I know I am a bad seed. Sorry. I cannot help it sometimes.

Anyway, I am going to go grab some lunch before I pass out or before someone else brings any more "drama" to this Momma!

As the world turns...or in my case....As the Drama Flows!

Hope ya'll are doing well. Take care out there in Blogger Land! Anyone know how to get mud out of a white pant suit??? And no the bleach didn't work!

Is it Monday again????

AM