So the story continues....

I called the "snake man" that Animal Control so eagerly referred me to. He seemed nice enough on the phone as I described my dilemma. He had a strong southern accent and seemed to be a man of few words. He informed me that he could be at the house within the hour. I breathed a sigh of relief and me and the kids waited for the snake man.

He pulled up into the driveway in an old beat up truck. I could make out what most likely used to be the snake mans company logo on the side of the Chevy relic. He stepped out of the truck and this is what my eyes behold...kid you not. He's an older man, wearing a pair of overalls that appeared to have seen many "adventures", he's carrying a few contraptions I have never seen, and he walked with an oddly slow gait.

I am thinking..."What the Hell did I just get myself into?"

I introduce myself to the kind man. He smiles and the kids stare at him as if they have never laid eyes on a human being before. I give them the "It ain't polite to STARE look" but they don't stop.

I took him around back to the deck area where we last saw the culprit. He walked around the deck area and the house. He doesn't say anything to me, but appeared to be saying a whole lot to himself.
He finally takes a flashlight out of his bag of tricks and gets down on his hands and knees and starts to crawl under the deck.

This evokes horror in me for some reason. I asked him what he was doing? He looked up at me and smiled and said in a calm tone, “I’m going to look for the snake."

As he disappeared under the deck I have feelings of panic. They are honestly selfish feelings. We have a huge deck and all the new home construction around us has probably driven many critters to reside under my deck. I have visuals of him being attacked by some wild thing and myself having to crawl under there to drag him out.

He is under there for a long while. If it were not for the few noises he makes now and again I wouldn't know if he was alive or dead. When he finally makes his exit I am relieved.

Snake Man: "He isn't under there"

He scratches his head and proceeds to look around the house. I am thinkin "Crap! The damn thing got away!"

Snake man goes out to his truck and returns with a large bag. He informs me that the bag contains something he can place around the house and deck area that will drive the snake out. He proceeds to sprinkle the magical white snake repellent around the yard and deck area. For all I know the guys is sprinklin Colombian gold around my house.

When he's done with his "task" I ask him how long it will take to drive the snake out. He shrugs his shoulders and tells me it could be right away or hours.

WHAT???

He informs me that he will wait. Again I say....WHAT? Wait? Hours? Days? Do I go make up the guest room?

He grabs a chair off the deck and takes it down into the yard...where he proceeds to commence the snake "wait". I don't know what to do. Snake man is making himself cozy in my backyard, by this time half the neighborhood kids have arrived to take a gander at the odd man. So, I do what anyone would do...I go make lemonade. Might as well offer up a little refreshment for the man.

While inside "R" calls. He's out of town for business. I explain the whole story. He is quiet for a moment.

R: So, AM let me get this straight. You saw a snake, called some snake guy, who put weird powder around our house and is now hanging out with our kids in the backyard while you make some lemonade?

AM: Yep, pretty much.

R: And how much does snake man charge?

AM: Don’t know. Didn't really ask.

R:

AM: I can handle this honey. Don't worry.

I know he's thinking, "God I leave the woman alone for a few days and look what happens."

I hang up knowing that when he returns I shall never ever ever live this debacle down. For some reason I don't care.

Two hours freaking later....guess what?? No snake. Apparently my snake is immune to the magical white voodoo snake drawing out powder.

I feel stupid. Snake man informs me that it could take longer. That I should just wait and give him a call back if it comes out. I am kicking my own ass in my head. Might as well get it over with before R does it.

As I write the 200.00 check to snake man I can only think this:

A) The snake is still here
B) I just paid snake man 200 bucks to entertain the kids
C) I hope that white powder doesn't draw out every living thing in my yard
D) OH GAWD R is going to kill me for this one.

Snake man leaves. I feel a sense of defeat. So here it is Friday. Still no snake...R will be home in a few hours....and I fear I have learned another lesson about my overreacting side. It was an expensive lesson...but on some level enjoyable.

Hopefully our snake has taken up residence somewhere else...like South America.

And that is that...

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Take care out there..and if you see our family snake or the snake man give them my best.

AM

Wanted to share the "highlight" of my week with you guys.

Yesterday after school the kids were playing outside. After a short while the youngest comes running into the house screaming like a freakin banshee! I cannot understand much of his fear induced verbiage but I do make out one word very clearly....SNAKE.

I'm thinking that he must be wrong. This kid is afraid of his own shadow, ants, ladybugs, cactus...you get the idea.

I run out onto the deck and look out into the yard. The dog is running around like he's on fire and he is chasing...low and behold a rather large brownish snake. The snake is "running" for its life and makes a dash under the deck. DAMN!

After finally convincing the dog to return indoors I did what any Mom would do after her mild meltdown...I called Animal Control. Seemed logical at the time. That's the kind of stuff they do right? Help freaked out Mom's like me with snake issues. One would think.

After explaining to the nice young man at animal control about my "situation" the conversation proceeded as follows:

Animal Guy: Can you see the snake now ma'am?

AM: No, I'm inside talking to you.

AG: Okay ma'am I need you to go outside and tell me if you can see the snake.

I want to scream, "ARE YOU HIGH?" yet I refrain for the sake of the children. I carefully creep outside via the garage look over at the deck area and quickly declare, "Nope can't see him"

AG: “When you look under the deck do you see anything?"

Now I am convinced that this guy is hitting the crack pipe. Does he really honestly think I will get down anywhere near the deck for a gander?? Man, I know I can be stupid sometimes, but PPPPLLLLease...I don't not have the word "Super Dumb Ass" flashing on my forehead. At least not today.

Animal guy continues to inform me that unless I can actually see the snake they won't come out to the house. He proceeds to tell me that I can either wait until I see it again and call back or I can call an independent snake specialist. WHAT?

I am flabbergasted!! I thought that's the kind of stuff they did. Apparently they can only "control" the animals they see. Great. What am I supposed to do when I see the snake tell him to sit?? So of course I opt for the latter choice he so wonderfully offered up to me. I cannot let the kids or the dog play outside with a big old snake roaming the grounds. And believe me for the sake of my sanity they HAVE to play outside!

So animal guy gives me snake guys phone number. I call snake man....and what should be a simple experience turns into one of the most colorful moments of the year.

Tune in tomorrow for the adventures of me and Snake Man. I promise it will be worth your while. Until then....take care out there.

AM

I feel old today...not sure why. Maybe it's a simple case of the Monday morning blues??

I am enjoying some much needed silence this morning. It's an act of congress to get all the kids off to school and by the time I get back home I feel like I need to detox.

Our youngest had a nice little hissy fit this morning. It appears that his older siblings told him there were bugs in his cereal. Normally he would have shrugged it off...perhaps he was tired...whatever the reason he had a major melt down. It was loads of fun.

Some mornings I just want to take the older kids and hang them from the rafters. I often wonder if they enjoy making my mornings something out of a bad B movie. From the time they get up, eat breakfast and get ready it's a "joyful" game of who can make me the most miserable. I am convinced I am nothing more than a pawn in their little game...just along for the ride most days. None of them are morning people either which make this morning "routine" even more pleasant.

I swear I almost dropped them off road side this morning after the 10 minute FREAKING battle over what radio station should be playing. After asking them 10 gazillion times to be quiet...I just put it on some classical music much to their dismay. I was entertained with many moans and groans in-between the beautiful melodies of Beethoven and Bach. I secretly laughed to myself. VICTORY! I won. Oh how sad it is that I take such joy in winning the smallest of wars.

R left to go out of town this morning which means I have a very long week ahead of me. I seriously begged him to shove me in his carry on bag. He smiles...I cringe. I keep telling him every time he travels that I think it would be WONDERFUL if he entertained the "take your kids" to work all week thing.

Oh who knows. Here I am being a big whiny butt. I am certain that is nothing more than a case of the Monday blahs. I think I shall find the remedy I need in the mountain of clothes in the laundry room...or perhaps in the room that before this morning’s breakfast used to resemble my kitchen.

I hope everyone out there is having a great day. Take care out there...

AM

Well, I am sitting up in my bedroom....and I fear at any moment I might be swallowed up by the endless school supplies in my midst. Lord, it looks like an elementary school threw up in here.

With all these kiddos I dare say I have enough school supplies for an army or two. As I sort through the countless piles of folders, binders, crayons, glue sticks etc....I find myself wondering something. Did I have to have this much crap when I went to school??

Why does it seem like Momma must have just sent me to school the first day with some new crayons, a sack lunch, and some pencils?? Oh, maybe there was a Trapper Keeper or two in the mix. My kids seem to require one of FREAKING everything. I'm starting to worry that I might get lost in the midst of school supply Hell. If you don't hear from me in the next few days call the hotline.

R is out of town. I had every intention of getting the kids to bed and coming up to my room to sort this stuff...label it, check the list and recheck the list, but I seem to have lost my fire. Right now I would love nothing more than to just throw it all in one big pile and set a match to it. I know...demented right?

Tonight at dinner, as we sat around the table talking about school starting one of the kids asked me in a very serious tone, "Why don't we home school?" As I looked around at all of their "shining" spaghetti covered faces it was all I could do to not choke on my food.

My GAWD, could ya'll see me home schooling? Now that would make for great entertainment wouldn't it?? I wonder if I would totally lose my mind in a matter of days or moments?? Who am I kidding? I'd be done for before the 1st day!

My hats off to Mothers who are brave enough to school their kids at home. I, on the other hand would fail miserably in that arena. I am thankful beyond words for all the wonderful teachers out there who are brave enough to teach my wild tribe of children. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!!!!

I suppose I should try and sort this stuff. R just called and I told him I was making progress. I did not however explain to him that "progress" in this case would only be defined as removing the stuff from the shopping bags and scattering it around the room. I like to refer to it as disorganized chaos! Awww, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Anyway, I think he should share in the fun.

Hope all is well in your world tonight. Take care out there....and enjoy the last few days of summer ya'll!

AM

Okay...I guess I am a big fat liar! I said I would be writing more often here, but as you can see...I have miserably failed. Here it is August already and I cannot help but wonder one thing....Where the HELL did the summer go?? Did someone push fast forward or somethin' ?

This summer has flown by and the only thing that does seem real right now is that ALL the kids start school next week. Can I get and amen and alleluia people???

As much as I have truly "loved" their summer time company each and EVERY day there is something amazing....totally completely amazing in the fact that soon I shall be Queen of the house again and perhaps if truly blessed I will be able to enjoy a few daily moments of FREAKING peace and quiet!!

I have learned a few valuable lessons this summer though. I thought I would share a few of them here with you. Shall we???

I have learned that the youngest child in the family will do anything and I do mean ANYTHING in order to impress and please their older siblings. I have learned that he will carry this out in the following ways:

A) By shoving a Lego deep within his nostril cavity on a dare that resulted in a trip to the ER and the grounding of ALL THINGS CHILDREN!!

B) He will allow an older sister to repeatedly dress him in drag and parade himself around the neighborhood causing those bothersome nosey neighbors to "whisper" every time they see our family.

C) He will be convinced by all of his brothers and sisters that by wearing his Superman outfit he is truly invincible to all the things they throw at him, spit at him, and trip him with.

D) He will refuse to eat ANYTHING green not because he doesn't like them but because "someone" has convinced him that by eating these items will result in him growing freaking mold all over his body!

E) He will endure countless wedgies for the pure entertainment factor it provides his siblings and all of their friends. Leaving me to wonder if he just puts up with it for the laughs or does he enjoy it???

F) He will refuse to sleep in his own bed because he was "forced" to listen to countless scary stories while his siblings were babysitting. He will now forever be dammed to sleep with every light on and force his parents to perform 85 GAZILLION under the bed checks for monsters, serial killers, Michael Meyers, and giant spiders!

G) He will refuse to go to the bathroom or swim in the pool or take a bath because after 7 days of shark week his "educated" brothers convinced him that sharks can be found in ANY kind of water and that they love to eat little boys best!

There are many more but they shall be saved for a rainy day. Let's just say that the older kids have spent a lot of time this summer up in their rooms "thinking" about what they have done to him. Yet, I believe this form of grounding only gives them more time to hatch more of their evil little plans. If only they could devout the same amount of time and energy into something more productive. I am convinced if they did they could end world hunger or discover the cure for every disease known to man.

All is well here. The summer has been busy, but truth be told a lot of fun. As much as I am ready for the kids to go back to school I will in some small tiny way miss them being around all day. Wait...what am I saying?? Was that my out loud voice???

I hope you all are doing well. I hope the summer has been kind and wonderful to you all. I must go...I think one of the wild beasts...Mmmm... I mean children are calling me. Take care out there...

Oh but before I go...is anyone else out there already wishing that High School Musical 2 had not been released? Have you too been forced to watch it 5 million times?? Do you find yourself singing the songs from the movies at weird times like while shopping? If any of you out there are suffering from this I am seriously thinking about starting a support group...just an FYI.

AM