Well folks....

Roll down the red carpet and sign me up for Best Bitch of the Year Nominee. Hell, there's no real competition, just give me the award now. No need for an acceptance speech, I am sure there are a few people in my life right now that would be happy to speak on my behalf!

I am not very proud of myself today. I am not usually even in the running for Bitch of the Year, but it seems I made up for the whole year in one freaking day! Leave it to me to tap into my uncharted "hidden" talents!

I am normally one of the most laid back people you could know. However the stress of the past week has taken its toll. The lack of sleep from the past week apparently has added to the "Bitch" mix like kerosene to a raging fire. I don't even want to be around me right now.

Last night "R" came over to be a good and loving boyfriend. Last night I decided that being a loving girlfriend in return was simply over rated. Heaven forbid I embrace the nice dinner he made me and the hour long bath and back rub with gratitude! No...I am sure you are supposed to reciprocate all that stuff with growls and complaints. Even better....why not just turn into Super Bitch and make the poor boy wonder if you are the devil in disguise??

I am certain that he took off from work last week to help me through a difficult time because he wanted me to crap on him afterward. I am positive that when he said he knew I was being bitchy because I was simply tapped out that he really wanted to scream get the *BEEP* over yourself!!! Did he? No. He took it with a grace that I honestly am not sure I would have had with him. If I were him I would have told me where I could stick it.

I am sure when I was crying hysterically last night and he went to hug me and I pushed him away that he felt wanted.

I am sure when he told me "I understand" and I screamed, "No, you fucking don't!!" that it left him feeling connected. I am sure when he literally peeled me off the kitchen floor and whispered, "We'll get through this" and I responded in a smart ass tone, "What's this “We” shit?" that those were not actually tears in his eyes, but merely the glare from the lights.

I am sure he took 5 days off of work because he had nothing better to do and no obligations of his own. I am sure as I read my eulogy the night of the Memorial Service and started crying that he came up to hold my hand because he was "obligated".

I am certain as I was throwing pictures of my friend around the living room last night while cussing out God that those weren't tears screaming down his face. I am quite positive that he slept on the living room floor with me last night because he had no other place to go.

Of course he brought lunch to my office yesterday not because I have not eaten in 4 days, but because he had no use for the 20 bucks in his pocket. I am positive that when he left here this morning and said "I love you. I will be back later." that he was just fibbing.

And of course the freaking flowers that arrived an hour ago with a note that read:

Honey, I love you so much. If I could take away the tears and heartache and own it for myself, I would do it a million times over. Please let me help you right now..

I am sure that was just because he was feeling guilty and I am not the one who should have been sending the flowers.


I am a damn mess. I am being a bitch. I don't want to be but all I know is this pain is eating me from the inside out. I don't want to feel this. I am being so selfish and right now I want to be. And as I type this I cry different tears. I cry because I have this amazing man in my life right now and I know I am being a total piece of crap. I don't want to hurt him, but I simply cannot reach out to him right now.

I am falling into a million pieces. I thought I was so much stronger than this, but it turns out I am not. I lost a dear friend 9 days ago, and if I don't stop this behavior I will lose the best guy I have ever known. This pain has to stop. My heart feels as if it has been erased and I cannot breathe. I want the whole world to walk out for a day or two and let me grieve.

I want to tell "R" I am sorry, but the words won't come. No words come. I sit here typing this post and I am shaking. Shaking because I have had 23 hours of sleep in 9 days and have not eaten since Wednesday.

God help me. I want to be stronger. I want to breathe so fucking bad it hurts. I have to snap out of it...I know I do. I am just struggling so much right now. God please just make it stop. Please.

I am in a mood today. I cannot shake it though I have tried. My heart is simply so heavy with grief that it seems to encompass every thought and feeling I have right now. I find myself crying and then getting angry. In summary...I am an emotional basket case.

The loss of my dear friend weighs heavily upon my heart. There are moments I feel like I cannot breathe. There are moments when the tears just start flowing and I cannot stop them from falling. I want to curl up on the couch and just cry. Cry until sleep finally finds me.

One phone call that changes your entire world. One moment that seems to stop time. A voice on the other end telling you he is gone. The immediate denial and screams of doubt. The wanting for it all to be a bad dream, and the collapse of every inch of your body and soul.

I am not sure how I got through the first two days. I walked around in a haze of sorts. It seemed surreal. It seemed at any moment he would walk through the door with his big smile and tell me it was all a bad dream. There was no way he could be gone.

He was my friend. He has been my friend since I was 15 years old. We literally grew up together. We experienced life's journey of adolescence into adult hood. Sometimes the journey was good, but sometimes it was more difficult than we had dreamed. Yet, no matter what the last 19 years offered up to us...one thing remained....we were friends. We were always good friends.

He had a smile that could light up a room. There was simply something about him that could put even the most nervous soul at ease. Something inside of him just seemed to shine on the outside. Some people have a way about them...he had that way. A gentle and loving way.

People come into our lives and we are forever changed. They leave these amazing impressions on our hearts and our souls. He was one of those people. My life will never be the same without him. Nor will it ever be the same because of him.

As I looked through old pictures to find some for the memorial service I realized that there was never a moment he wasn't there. High School Graduation, Prom, College Years, My Marriage, DB's birth, My Hellish Divorce....he was always there. Always there to offer up celebration or a strong shoulder to cry and lean upon.

And I sit here knowing that he won't be around for any other moments, and it rips my heart apart. There will be no more big bear hugs that only old friends can offer best. There will be no more inside jokes and late night conversations. There will be no more pictures added to those albums. What will I do without him?

I don't understand why he had to leave us. Someone so young and full of life. How this world shall miss him. I want to turn back the hands of time and go back to the last moment I saw him two weeks ago. I want to make sure I told him I love him and how much he means to me. I want to hold him and tell he can't leave. Tell him he can't get in that damn car. I want time to stop...and just give me one more day with my dear friend.

I know if he were here right now he would be telling us all not to make such a fuss. He would most likely playfully smack me on the back of my head and tell me to quit crying. He would smile and tell us he was okay, because he could never stand it when anyone worried about him.

Yet, the tears won't stop. I have lost a very special piece of my heart. I know that he will live on through his family and friends for years and years to come, but I want him here. I want to hear his laugh so badly it cuts me inside.

Today I want to cry. Today I want to look at old pictures and home movies and remember. I miss my friend. I miss my dear old buddy more than my stupid words could ever express. I know he's with me now even as I type this. I know that some day I will see him again, but some day seems so far away.

I have never been good at good-bye's. I hate them. I never know how to handle one, and I fear I am struggling with this one more than I have ever before. I can't let go, and I can't say good-bye. I can't. I want to hold on tight because if I let go, I fear I will fall to pieces.

I love you my friend. I thank you for all the moments you gave me. Thank you for all the laughter and the tears. Thank you for always being there for me and for always believing in me even when no one else did. Thank you for being a part of my life for 19 years. I was better for knowing you. You were more than my friend...you had indeed grown into a brother. I will spend the rest of my life missing you. I will spend the rest of my life knowing that if even for a short time..God blessed me with you.

Good-bye is not forever,
Nor is it an end,
It is merely a temporary waiting,
Until we meet again.

I'm not good at good-bye's my dear buddy...so I have to hold on just a little longer. I have to cry a lifetime of tears. I love you and I miss you with each breath I take. Watch out for us down here...you know we all could use a real angel.

AM

Hey guys! I am back. Thank you for all your kind words. You guys are great!

I see "R" faired pretty well and ya'll were good to him. Thank you. I think he kind of likes the blog thing as he asked me if he could write a post again soon. At this point I don't see why not. So, keep your eyes peeled for him.

It has been a rough week. I think I will write about it soon but right now it is just too raw for me. I think it will take me a long while to come to terms with my feelings. I'll be sorting it out for some time.

I returned to work today to see that Village Idiots are still holding down the fort.

I swear I don't think I should go on vacation for 14 days this summer. I think my return would be enough to push me over the edge. You would think a group of grown ups could handle things without "adult" supervision.

When I first walked in this morning I had this sinking feeling that today would be "eventful" to say the least. It usually is. At first the morning was really really quiet. That in itself is eerie. The silence somewhat reminded me of when DB is quiet. That kind of quiet is not a good thing.

I spent most of the morning going through emails and voice mails. 58 voice mails and more emails than I can count! Lord have mercy. I really dislike voice mail too. Some people ramble on for a good 5 minutes before they get to the point of their message. Just when you think you can hit delete....they keep on talkin'!

One by one they trickled down to my office. Most of their visits were quite routine. There are only a handful of my employees that I worry about when I am away. They always treat my breaks as a college version of Spring Break with a paycheck!

A young guy that works for me (25 years old) walked into my office with a nervous hello and smile. This did not set off any alarms for me. He's always nervous around me. It's like he thinks I am going to eat him or something. Maybe next time he walks in I should growl??

Anyway, he proceeds to inform me that his lap top has gone missing. Hey stuff happens but he has a lot of personal employee information on it and client information. He tells me that he thinks his ex-girlfriend might have taken it after their messy break up. I asked him why he thought she took it. He then told me that someone is sending emails from his account that aren't his.

He asked if I had seen the emails yet. I tell him no but I have a million of them. So, I go to the computer and scroll through the emails until I see his name. OH MY GAWD! I don't know what he did to piss her off but this was a woman scorned and on a mission. I cannot even write what she said here. Let's just say it talked about the size and usage of his penis, what he would like to do to female employees etc...it was to say the least "graphic". I was blushing big time.

He told me HR had already spoken to him and they were awaiting my return to discuss the matter. At this point I swear to God the boy started crying.

No, no please don't cry. Please don't do that. Lord that made our very awkward moment even more awkward. Do I hug him? Do I verbally assure him it's okay? I stumbled through the weird moment like a blind animal.

After our Hallmark moment I walk him down to HR. We hammer it all out. We change his email accounts etc...He takes a breath finally knowing he won't be getting fired. Poor guy has been sweating my return more than I was!

To all you men out there a word of advice. If your significant other has access to all of your email accounts and voice mail...I highly suggest you don't piss her off and face the wrath that this poor soul did. I do however have to give her a little credit...it takes balls to do that. BIG, BIG Balls!

Well, I am off to do laundry and clean the house a little bit. Apparently it doesn't "do" itself! LOL

I will catch up with all of you guys. Missed you guys!

AM

(First of all thank you for all your comments and PM’s. I truly appreciate it. R and I are currently out of town. We attended a Memorial Service last night and will be returning to Dallas tomorrow morning. I am not much in the mood for writing, but we were sitting in the hotel room today and I realized that I never had a chance to post what he had written last week. I think I could use a lighter mood....so I decided to post his first contribution. So, here you guys go. Feel free to leave him comments as he will have free rein of this blog for a few days. Take care and thanks again for your well wishes.  Love, AM)

 

 

Hello.

 

“R” here. I guess she calls me “R” so she doesn’t use my real name. “R” is actually the first letter of my middle name. Just glad she doesn’t call me Sugar Pants or Snuggly Pooh. That might be weird.

 

I think it is very funny that you guys call her AM. The name AM conjures thoughts of the morning, and there is nothing morning about my girlfriend. In fact I have learned that it is safer to wake her up from the safety of the other side of the bedroom. Trying to wake her up while being next to her could be deadly especially if she has access to the 5 million pillows on her bed. Who needs that many pillows?

 

She goes to bed a beautiful woman and she awakes resembling something out of the Exorcist. I have learned that she should not be spoken to, looked at, or even thought about for the first 30 minutes she is awake. And morning playtime? Forget about it. Morning sex is now something I will think about when I think about the good old days.

 

As I write this I am wondering if she will even post it. She has guarded her blog like a mad general. A few days ago was the first time she let me read some of her posts. I enjoyed reading them. She also told me about a lot of you guys and how this blog thing works. I warn you I do not write with her ease and I am sure she will be spellchecking the shit out of this.

 

I have known AM for almost 7 years. I have wanted to date her for longer than I can remember. When I first met her she had gone through a terrible divorce and was in a serious I hate men stage. I am smart enough to know that was not the right time to ask her out. If I had I could very well be on a milk carton right now.

We instead became very good friends.

 

After what I call her bitter bitter bitter stage there was a string of what I will call chumps she dated. Man, some of these dudes gave us good guys a bad rap. Some of them I actually liked and became friends with. Her last chump is actually one of my golf partners now. (Got to play golf with someone because you guys know she will never be playing with me again. My point of view on that outing is far different than hers by the way. It was funny as shit.) But I was always hoping she would dump them and be single.

 

When I finally saw a small window of opportunity I laid it all out there. I see she wrote about that night here on her blog. Man, if my friends read that post it would destroy my super macho guy image. She tells me how sweet I was that night and I tell her it was just the Merlot talking.  For some reason the words girlie girl popped into my mind when I read that post she wrote. Thanks AM.

 

AM is a beautiful girl inside and out. I know I am lucky to be the Chump she is dating. You know that she has a very funny sense of humor. I think it is what I love best. She has a sharp and quick wit and we often word war for hours back and forth. It’s all in fun. But if we ever have an argument I think the word carnage would be bloody as Hell.

 

There are many things I could write about on my first cherry popping post but I wondered if I should just offer up a little Q & A? If she ALLOWS me to do it how about you guys ask me a question and I will respond to it? I am very open and never offended. Ask me anything you want to know.

 

It has taken me about two hours to type this. I type like I only have one finger. I am emailing this to AM she said she would do something about the one paragraph this is right now. I told her she can format but she better not edit it.

 

Thanks for letting me write here. Let the Q & A begin!

 

R.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey you guys...

Due to the sudden loss of a dear friend I will be away from blogging for a few days. This is a very difficult time for me and for my family and friends. I ask that you keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. I have been in a state of shock the past two days and I am trying so very hard to come to terms with the loss of such an amazing person in my life. Send your strength through the Stream! I have so missed keeping up with all of you, and will post back here when I return. Take care out there...

AM