On Friday I decided to go do a little Christmas shopping with my Mom. Why? First of all because our Christmas lists are starting to resemble a War and Peace novel and secondly because shopping with Mom is so much "fun".
Mom approaches shopping as a special occasion. You would think the woman was going to Sunday service at church. For the record my Momma loves to shop. She "bonds" with the mall several days a week. And though she shall deny it to her dying day…..there are sales associates who know her by name!
I had my youngest niece with me and I had forgotten what it was like to get ready for an adventure with a toddler. By the time I got her loaded up, the stroller packed, and the diaper bag ready I debated whether it was really worth it??
Upon meeting my Mom at the mall I was greeted with the following:
Mom: Hi Honey! *kisses granddaughter*
She looks at me and says hello. I can tell she is "sizing" me up.
AM: What?
Mom: Oh, I just didn't know I needed to tell you to dress up a little. We are going to lunch remember? Isn't it time you throw that nasty thing away? *points at me*
I look at myself. I am sporting my comfortable jeans and my old and very favorite college sweatshirt. It's cold outside. I was dressing for warmth and comfort. I look around quickly for the mall fashion police. I'm sure they will be writing me a ticket at any moment and banning me from the mall forever.
Oh a girl can dream!
So now that Mom has made my Christmas spirit SOAR we start what I like to call our adventure with the Mall People.
First of all I am not a mall person. Hell, if I could avoid that place all year long I would be a happy camper. Online shopping is my Savior. Secondly, shopping at the mall around Christmas time is about as fun as a visit to the OB/GYN. I just love it!
During this joyous time of year you would think it would bring out the better in the Mall People. Yet, I have found the opposite to be true. I am convinced that the Mall People leave their manners and courtesy at the door when they arrive.
It doesn't matter that it took me 85 hours to find a parking space when I arrived. No big deal. Yet, do you think it would have killed the young woman in front of me to hold the door open so me and the stroller could get through? Apparently, she just enjoys a good show and stares at me like she's never seen a baby before. Thanks lady.
Stores are not made for strollers to maneuver. I am so writing a letter to the mall owners soon. When I politely say, "Excuse me" to the Mall People blocking paths in the stores so I can get by them they growl at me. Some of them huff and puff as if I have asked them to dance for me or carry me through the aisles.
The Mall People look at me as if I am an alien and don’t deserve to be there.
I refrain from flipping them all the bird as I need to be a good example for my niece. But, I spend several minutes pondering it. She can't really talk anyway. Who would she tell??
I still try and maintain my Christmas spirit.
I then decide to go buy DB a few outfits at her favorite store that shall remain nameless (THE LIMITED TOO!). I find a few outfits quickly, but cannot find her size in the High School Musical sweatshirt she HAS TO HAVE! Don't even get me started on this movie. High School Musical haunts me daily.
So, what does a Mom do? I meander through the disgruntled Mall People until I finally arrive at the register. I am almost out of breath. I turn to the 4 young sales associates who have gathered to discuss their boyfriends and Brad Pitt and politely ask if they have the shirt in DB's size.
They look at me and smile. They assure me they will check it out. Yet, none of them move from their intriguing conversation. I stand about trying to act like I am browsing at other items, but I am screaming at them on the inside.
Finally, one of them goes to the back of the store. I find myself excited. (I need a life people!) She leaves....and she never returns. Was she eaten by the one of the Mall People? I shudder at the thought in-between all the bad words floating through my head.
I nicely lay down all of my items at the register....and leave.
Sales Associate # 1: Do you want this ma’am?
AM: Not anymore thanks.
In-between all of my joyous encounters with the mall people my lovely Mother commentates like John Madden on Monday night football. You would think in a busy place like the mall I could drown her out, but I tell you that woman has a voice that carries! I quietly decide I am shipping her C.O.D. to American Idol.
And finally after hours of shopping I have my last Mall People encounter.
I was paying for my items at a large department store. After the young woman was finished with my purchase I smiled at her and wished her a Merry Christmas. She looked at me like I had just told her she had a booger hanging from her nose.
Girl: I don't celebrate Christmas. *deep sigh*
AM: *awkward silence* *smiles* Happy Holidays!
She rolls her eyes at me. I don't know what to say. I am drowning in my lack of political correctness. I give her yet another one of my awkward smiles. I am sorry but was it necessary for her to share that? I wasn't trying to be offensive! Did she need an uncomfortable moment in her day? Why do I think she took pleasure from making me feel stupid??
By the time I out of the mall, out of the parking lot, away from my Mother and safely home....all I wanted was some wine. I tried to approach the holiday shopping with a good attitude, but it appears the Mall People don't want you to be content and happy while shopping. They sucked the ever living Christmas Spirit right out of me! Happiness and jolly and Fa-La-La-La-La do not come with the shopping "plan". It must cost extra at the door.
It appears me and the computer will be bonding a lot over the next week. I now intend to do as much of my holiday shopping online as I possibly can.
Beware of the Mall People Streamers! Enter the mall at your own risk! Be sure to wear protective gear and weapons for defense. And if you encounter disgruntled Mall People who suck the ever living Christmas joy out of you...run like the wind! Or give them all a Christmas/Holiday 'bird" for me!
AM
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