Okay, R and I were having a "discussion" last night. My mood may or may not have been on the cranky side. I may or may not have been tired. And I may or may not have thought the topic we were "discussing" was annoying.

So, what conclusion does Einstein draw from this? Anyone??? R and all 4 of his brain cells smiled and muttered the following while stroking my hair:

" Awww, Honey you seem out of sorts. It must be your "special" time of month. I understand, baby."

I am certain I growled at him while pushing his grubby hands out of my locks. I stood looking at him for a good 2 or 3 minutes. He was still smiling as if he had figured out life’s Great Mystery and was waiting for his reward.

My response was simple actually. I walked out of the kitchen before I was tempted to play with the butcher knives.

Why is it that when a girl is having a bad day or she is tired that men naturally assume it must be that time of month? Is that the best they've got?

To all of you men out there...and I say this with kindness and fear for your future safety... If your wife/girlfriend/sister/friend is moody and having a bad day it is not in your best interest to ask her if it's her time of the month.

More importantly (make mental notes here guys) you should never and I mean NEVER refer to this monthly occurrence as "special". This is in no way, shape, or form a "special" time. If you value your family jewels I pray that you take heed to my warning.

Okay, I feel better. On to something else perhaps?

I asked the kids for their Christmas lists. They worked hard and long on them and I was certain I would be pleased with their efforts. Upon receiving their lists I found myself laughing hysterically. And I almost lined them all up and gave them the "Say No to drugs" speech. Certainly they must have been sniffing the Elmer’s.

Here are just a few samples of their lists:

1. 2 of my kids want Play Station 3's. (not one to share…their very own!)
2. 1 asked for a new TV (flat screen) and Tivo for their room.
3. 2 asked for iPod Video thingy
4. 2 asked for new computers for their rooms, and 1 deems it necessary to have his own scanner and color printer.
5. 1 asked for a new stereo system.
6. 3 asked for their own portable DVD players. (We have 2 but I guess the "royalty" in my clan think they need their own.)

So, you get the idea. My kids apparently think Santa shoots 100 dollar bills out of his ass every time he breathes.

Yet, my favorite came from the youngest. When I asked him where his list was or if he needed any help he smiled and said, "No." When I asked him why he responded with only the innocence that youth can provide and said, "Santa already knows what I want for Christmas. So, I don't need to write it down."

My response:

Upon asking him if he could share it with me he shook his head no and pranced and skipped out of the room.

I have decided that I am going to pay Whoville a visit and stay there. If anyone should need to find me just ask Cindy Lou Who...she'll point the way.

Who knows...I might just go make friends with the Grinch and discuss this whole heart is too small thing. Maybe it's because it's his "special" time of the month??

AM

Is it safe to come out yet? Are they all gone? I mean are they REALLY gone yet?

I have never in my life been so happy for it to be a Monday! Yet, I find myself almost deliriously giddy with the fact that my house is finally FREAKING quiet!

Since I am writing this you now know I survived the holiday.
Not too much went wrong I suppose. Just a few glitches here and there. And lucky me my holiday came with a bonus...a dose of family big enough to make me wonder why we reproduce at all???

To say we had a house full would be an understatement. They came from far and wide with "personalities" in tow. And there are always a few relatives that make you seriously ask yourself, "Did we really come out of the same gene pool?"

Dumb and Dumber and the men in our families managed to smoke a turkey and fry a turkey without burning down the house or themselves. However I was a nervous wreck about it. They assured me that they could smoke meat, drink beer, and watch all the kids at the same time. Yet, every time I heard a loud noise I was running outdoors like Speed Racer. Honestly I totally doubted their abilities to multi-task. They proved me wrong...as far as I know.

We had enough food to feed a small continent. Getting everyone seated was a production in itself. I had two adult tables and one big kids table. The kids were "champs". They somehow managed to use my beautiful centerpieces to entertain themselves. And why is it that my kids can make weapons out of anything? I will not even write about what they did to the cornucopia. I am sure it is illegal in all 50 states.

After dinner the men and children all scattered like leaves blowing in the wind. That left us women folk to do the dishes. Next time I shall do it alone no matter how long it takes. Being in a kitchen with all those gabbing gossipy women almost pushed me over the edge.

R's Aunt….a lovely creature (when she's sleeping) enjoys her wine and her mouth more than most. She must have deemed it her duty to lecture me about EVERYTHING while I was cleaning. This made me wonder what the gravy boat would look like in her mouth or if the turkey carcass would fit over her rather odd shaped head.

And please don't ever get me started about his cousin and her husband. Lord have mercy!! I dare say they are the most backwards ass people I have ever met in my life. It was hard not to laugh out loud sometimes or blurt out, "What the Hell did you just say?" when they talked. Every time I looked at him one word came to mind.....Abominable Snowman. Need I say more?

And my Mother and all of her "glory" were the real dessert of the day. Who needs Pumpkin Pie when you got Mom?? How many words are actually in the "Nagging" language? I counted at least 20,000. I was glad when she started drinking the wine and "entertaining" herself with others. Next year I shall make her sit at the kids table.

The rest of the weekend was full of family fun. We were stupid enough to go shopping Friday. Yet, I shall write about that tomorrow as I am not recovered from that adventure. I am not sure I ever will be the same actually...but the Doctor's say there is a small glimmer of hope.

One holiday down and one more to go. Is it July yet?? Hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I am going to go sit in a dark room until the kids get home. It's time to detoxify my mind from all the festivities. Happy Monday Ya'll! And guess what?? Thanksgiving is finally over.....

AM

Twas a few days before Thanksgiving and all through the house....

Who am I kidding? All through the house it was : CHAOS! Pure and simple CHAOS!

R is lucky he has survived the past 24 hours. Settle in for a little story folks.

There are two characters in this story....R and his brother-in-law. For the sake of the story we will call R: Dumb and brother-in-law: Dumber. That will make it easier.

Yesterday I sent Dumb and Dumber on two very easy and quick errands. The grocery store for 3 items and the dry cleaners. This "simple" task should have taken Dumb and Dumber all of 20 minutes. However, I didn't have time to draw them a map with my CRAYONS...so they got a little "lost".

Dumb and Dumber had been gone almost an hour before I reached for the cell phone. It's not that I had noticed an hour had passed as the 9 kids in the house were certainly "entertaining" me.

Dumb: Hey honey.

AM: Where are you guys?

Dumb: We won't be much longer.

AM: Did you go to the grocery store and cleaners?

Dumb: Yup. (He says this as he is giggling)

AM: So are you on your way home yet?

Dumb: Nope.

AM: *taking deep breath* Why not honey??

Dumb: It's a surprise.

The color drains from my face at the mere thought of Dumb and Dumber trying to "surprise" anyone.

AM: What is it?

Dumb: If I told you it would not be a surprise anymore now would it?

AM: How long before you are home??

Dumb: When we're done. Waiting on Jason.

AM: Jason? Why? Where are you?

Dumb: We need his truck.

AM: Oh God!

Panic sets into my very soul. What the Hell could Dumb and Dumber need a truck for and do I even want to know at this point? I eye the front door. I could make a run for it and with all the chaos they wouldn't know I was gone for at least a good 2 hours.

Dumb: Trust me baby.

Famous last words. I can hear Dumber in the background. They both have the giggles like little school girls. This in itself scares me.

Dumb: You still there honey?

Dumb: Baby, are you still there?

AM:

Dumb to Dumber: I think I lost the connection. Hello? AM? Are you there?

I hit the end button on the phone. I look at the hyped up kids running around the back yard and cover my eyes. What was I thinking? I sent two grown men to run two FREAKING SIMPLE errands! I should have known better. I spent the next hour and a half waiting for Dumb and Dumber and their “surprise”. I have no finger nails left.

Finally the Stooges arrive home. Dumb is all smiles ear to ear. He grabs my hand and walks me out to the drive way. I see boxes. Big boxes in Jason's truck. Dumb is looking at me like, "Well?" and I am clueless and scared.

AM: What is it?

Dumb: You're gonna love this AM.

I've heard that before and it never ended in love of any kind.

He jumps up on the truck. He's smiling like the Grinch and I can tell he's really proud of himself. I try to smile back, but I really want the "production" to be over and done with. I feel like screaming "GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!"

Dumb: We picked up a few things I thought we need for the holiday.

He hops over to the biggest box.

Dumb: This is a refrigerator.

AM:*shakes head* We have two already didn't know we needed ANOTHER one?

Dumb: This is going to be the beverage fridge AM. We need a fridge for drinks.

Of course what was I thinking? Every home needs a third fridge for drinks!!!

Dumb: This one is a smoker. Now we can smoke one of those turkeys.

AM: You have one R.

Dumb: It's old. This one rocks baby.

He's so happy it's almost creepy. He's going on about this smoker like it's a god. The bells and whistles speech has me singing songs in my head.

Dumb: And this is a turkey fryer. Now we can deep fry one of those birds too.

AM:

The mere thought of R and the men in our families having a few beers and access to a smoker and hot oil makes me cringe. That has BAD IDEA written all over it.

He jumps out of the truck and runs to his SUV. He opens the hatch. Oh God there's more.

Dumb: And this is one of those heat thingys for outside. It burns pinion wood and heats and smells good baby. We can put it on the patio and people won't get cold no more. What do you think?

I am quiet for a minute. I look at him and all his "man" glory and smile.

AM: I think I sent you and Dumber to the store for milk, flour, and tea. I think I sent you to pick up dry cleaning.

He runs around to the back seat. He grabs the grocery bags and the cleaning and smiles again.

Dumb: I got those!

AM:I see.

I turn around and start walking toward the house. He runs up to me.

Dumb: Are you mad at me? You don't like what we picked out?

AM: No, I like it fine.

Dumb: Then what is it?

AM: The next time I need a few things from the store I will send the kids before I send you.

Dumb: Why baby?

I look at the truck and point.

AM: Do I need to say more?

Dumb:

Lesson number 1,254,365 learned people. Do not ever....and I mean ever send Dumb on any more errands. It will be easier and cheaper to do it myself.

Well, gotta go feed the herd of kids lunch. Maybe I should just make Dumb smoke them something and then keep them warm with his heat "thingy" and top it off with a cold beverage from the unnecessary 3rd drink fridge!

It's turning out to be a long week people. Pass the wine.

AM

Well, the journey to insanity has started and is in full swing....and it is only Monday.

The kids are out of school ALL week and we somehow managed to pick up a few extra kids...4 to be exact but who’s counting?

R is off work this week. I believe he did this only because he feared his survival had he not been here to help with the madness.

So, our total body count for Thanksgiving dinner is:

Kids: 16

Adults: 32-34

Do I even have to verbalize how FREAKED out I am right now??? I love cooking and such, but God help me. How do I get myself into this kinda stuff?

We aren't going to be feeding people...it will be more like a very whacked out version of a cattle drive gone terribly wrong.

It's going to be a week of chaos here folks. This very well may be my last blog entry....ever. This just might do me in I fear. Keep your eyes on the skies for my S.O.S. smoke signals. Or perhaps I need to borrow the Batman signal and rent the caped crusader until Friday??

I will have help this week, and if my Mother doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity there are many others patiently waiting in line behind her. Nice of them to wait quietly in the shadows isn't it?

R and his brother-in-law just took the kids to the park. I gave him only two instructions:

1. Don't lose anyone.

2. Let them play until they pass out from exhaustion.

Simple actually. Hopefully, Dumb and Dumber can handle their task with ease. Yet, I wondered as they walked out with the children...if I was sending 9 kids with adults or two overgrown kids with cars?


Surviving the holiday’s folks...I am sure we all share the same pain. Yes, there will be happy moments...like when I have had 8 glasses of wine and no longer care where I am.

For the moment though I think I shall go meditate and savor the last few moments of peace for the week. How did ya'll let me agree to this fiasco in waiting? Where's the love people? I'm needing some love...and a very stiff drink!

Happy Pre-Thanksgiving Monday! May you and yours survive the chaos and the turkey!

AM

Some days I just don't want to be a grown up.

I woke up in a "mood" this morning. Maybe it was the weather or perhaps I simply woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm in a crappy state of mind.

I am working at home today but have no desire to actually work. Work just seems overrated today. I'm sure my boss doesn't really need anything done by days end.

The freaking mountains of laundry are calling my name and I am totally ignoring it. It should be calling someone else's name I have decided.

I didn't even attempt to clean up the breakfast dishes today...pretty soon they are going to start "talking" to me too. Are dishes recyclable?

I am supposed to be finalizing plans and arrangements for the Thanksgiving fiasco that awaits me next week. Yet, all I can manage to do is think of all the people in my life I could torment with the turkey. Maybe it would be safer if I just make burgers?

I am also supposed to be going through our weekend schedules. Apparently it is my "duty" to organize the five zillion events my family has between now and FOREVER. I'm seriously thinking about just saying, "No."

I am also supposed to be contemplating yet another serious talk R and I had last night. Yet, I am seriously thinking about calling him up and singing, "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care!"

I am supposed to call perky decorator lady from the pits of Hell and finalize her "schedule" before the holidays. And I ain't gonna do it today. Her perkiness would be enough to push me over the edge I am certain. And I may be dumb, but I ain't got no death wish.

Should be thinking about what I am going to feed the Tribe for dinner. Would it kill them to miss a meal? Just kidding...not really..yes, I am. Pizza Hut delivers right?

And last but not least I should be returning phone calls from my Mother, Sister-In-Law, Aunt, and all the other family members that keep dialing my digits. I could probably handle that if it was 5 PM and I had some wine in hand. Besides I love the way my phone lights up when it rings and it makes me feel important to hear that beep that informs me I have yet ANOTHER voice mail.

So, there you have it folks. I am having a "mood" day. I should just go sit in a dark closet until it passes. Yet, they would find me there. Maybe I should just go sit outside and hope this wind storm we are having will blow me away like Dorothy. I am certain the munchkins would cheer me up. Nothing a little Lollipop Gang couldn’t cure.

I am sure the mood will pass....if those around me are lucky enough. if I sound bitter today...I am. Some days I just don't want to be a grown up.

AM