Happy Halloween My Spooky Streamers!

I am trying to prepare myself for the family "adventure" that lies in wait for me tonight. The mere thought of taking my tribe to gather and gorge on sweets has my stomach tossing and turning a bit. I wonder if they would settle for a night at home with carrot sticks and apple juice??

Oh a girl can dream can't she??

We carved our pumpkins yesterday. Simple task right? I never knew you had to lay "ground rules" before allowing your kids to carve jack-o-lanterns.

Rule # 1: "Keep your hands on your OWN pumpkin"!

Everyone has their own pumpkin. Therefore you are not allowed to touch, kick, throw things, or taunt anyone else's pumpkins.

Rule #2: "Put your pumpkin guts and seeds in the bucket"

The pumpkin stuff is not meant to be flicked at the person closest to you or in the air. Pumpkin "Goo" does not belong in your neighbor’s hair, face, or on their clothing.

Rule #3: "If you are not a grown up you may not use the carving knife"

Sharp objects are not toys. They should not be waved in the air in re-enactments of Jason from the Friday the 13th movies. Doing this will not evoke laughter or smiles from the one you are "performing" for. This is true especially if you are "acting" for a kindergartner who is already afraid of Halloween.

Rule #4: "Please leave your pumpkin alone when you have completed it."

Once you have carved your master piece it should sit still until moved by a grown up! Your finished pumpkin is not a bowling ball nor is it a soccer ball. It does not want to be tossed around like a hot potato. A smashed pumpkin shall bring you no joy.

Rule #5: REPEAT RULE #1

If you have finished carving your pumpkin before everyone else please keep your hands to yourself. Your neighbors do not need your assistance, criticisms, or jokes. Singing about how slow they are brings not amusement, but complete frustration. Art takes time...allow it to "happen" in its own way! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

I am certain there should and could have been a lot more rules for the tribe, but those seemed to be the most important ones. What should have been a simple and fun family project turned into pumpkin chaos!

I will certainly have to find a way to implement Trick or Treating rules tonight or I will surely lose my mind somewhere in the neighborhood.

Perhaps I should just go gorge on all of the candy I bought and eat myself into sugar oblivion!?! Then I would be so whacked out from a sugar high that I won't care what they do!

Or perhaps I should go make a visit to the local Home Depot and buy some chains and ropes. Why you ask?? So I can make one big leash and attach them according to age. Perhaps then and only then shall R and I stand a chance of keeping them all together and somehow hold onto our sanity!

Oh the joys of children! Say a prayer or two for me tonight. And if you see us do yourself a favor....run like the wind! Run Forest, Run!

Happy Halloween Streamers! Beware...of all the crazy people who might be out your way tonight! And be sure to have lots of sweets and treats!

AM

What happens when one kid gets sick??? Guesses anyone?? Anyone?? Bueller...Bueller??

If you guessed the other kids get sick you're the Grand Prize Winner! Prize yet to be determined.

Last week it was the little one, and now DB has decided it's her turn. Poor thing was up most of the night and is now sleeping soundly. I on the other hand thought I would "entertain" you with my sleep deprived state of mind.

Gotta love this sick/germ domino effect. I can almost see the cooties and germs circling above all of us taunting and carefully choosing their next victim.

I'm seriously thinking about taking 12 cans of Lysol and going crazy in the house. Ya know...spray everything that doesn't move! And maybe a few things that do...like the satanic hamster that seems to have a death wish against me. (That's a bedtime story for another day folks)

Upon looking at myself in the mirror this morning I found myself gasping. I look and feel like I have been run over by a semi truck. I think I shall return my Halloween costume and just go as myself this year. I am convinced I now have the ability to scare small children and animals with one glance.

I think I shall just live in this bath robe and these fuzzy warm slippers. The crazy up-do thing I have going on now will certainly be in fashion at some point in the next 20 years.

Showering and shaving??? Nah, those things are just over rated. I'm sure right now as I speak that some crazy fashion guru in Paris is bottling his latest scent..."Tossed Cookies" and I won't have to buy any...as my children seem to already posses the secret formula.


To make this day even "better" that crazy perky decorating lady is supposed to grace me with her presence this afternoon. Something about swatches and drapes?? I truly was not listening to her when she called this morning. I think I was humming the theme to Sanford and Son or perhaps it was Gilligan’s Island??


R took the rest of the tribe to school this morning. He called after he dropped the last one off. He kept saying I was mumbling. He told me I should get some rest. Did I really growl at him? Are my mumbles actually a secret language I have created in my sleep deprivation? Does giving the phone the bird count when talking to someone??

Okay, I am losing it. I really should make a few calls for work and freak someone else out. Sleep and quiet...who needs those things?? Nobody in my casa. If I seem to make no sense and you guys think I have lost my mind "up in here"....well, you are probably right. Don't worry though...I am sure my break from sanity is only a temporary thing. Right? Right? Bueller?? Bueller??

AM

Well we had quite the Halloween "adventure" this weekend.

R and I took the kiddos to the Halloween store so that they could pick out their costumes for a party we are going to Friday and for Halloween. The kids were all "hyped" up and as I got in the car I knew it had bad idea written all over it.

When we got to the store it was really crowded. So, R and I told the kids we needed to stick together. I should have brought leashes and lassos! I should have known better. The second we walked into the door they scattered like leaves blowing in the wind. I "LOVE" the way they all listen.

R went to round up the herd and I walked with the youngest who was scared to death of all the decorations and crazy people in the store. He clung tightly to me and kept asking, "When are we going to leave?" He liked to ask it about every 3 SECONDS!

Of course R found the older ones walking around the store, bumping into other customers as they tried to scare the crap out of each other. Of course not a one of them knew what kind of costume they wanted. The aisles were small and overcrowded....as was my patience.

R had filled a cart full of decorations. The boy was going crazy with his Halloween "spirit". After about an hour I informed them all if they didn't pick out something really quick we were leaving. I had no intention of spending another hour with my rowdy crew in that store. Finally they got down to business.

After almost 2 FREAKING hours of "fun" we loaded up the car. The kids were so hyper I felt like we had just poured a pound of sugar down each one of them. Between the blaring rap music and the kids I felt like I was going to go crazy.

I felt like Dorothy....there's no place like home...there's no place like home.

R wanted to stop at the grocery store and I shot him the death rays. No way in Hell was I going to partake in another store adventure. Boy must have been high or something.

After we got home we started decorating the house. Our house does look pretty rockin' scary! Halloween ready I dare say.

However, the youngest is afraid of everything. Scares the crap out of him. He is so not into the Halloween decorations. He's been crawling into our bed every night. I fear he shall be doing this for a while.

He asks me about 80 zillion times a day if we can "un-decorate" the house. I smile and assure him that Halloween will be over soon. He does not look comforted.

Oh the holiday season has arrived. I feel this year shall be a rather interesting adventure. I think by New Years I shall need to be admitted to a little white room with padded walls. Or perhaps I shall just come live with you guys.

Happy Tuesday Ya'll!

AM

I was sound asleep last night.....enjoying a coma like slumber. About 3 a.m. I was awoken to a very gentle tap on my arm. I startled from sleep to see the shadow of a little person before me. As I was trying to get my bearings I heard the faint whisper of "I don't feel good."

I crawled out of bed and grabbed my robe. R was snoring like a lumber jack...the boy didn't move at all. I felt like giving him a quick jab to the ribs, but I didn't have it in me.

I turned on the lights in the family room and sat him on the couch. The poor thing was seriously green and his face was red and feverish. Now all I needed to do was a find a thermometer. Simple task right? We have a zillion, but I spend a good 10 minutes going bathroom to bathroom looking for one. UGH!

Just as I was getting ready to take the poor souls temperature he decided to "share" his illness with me. That's right. The little guy tossed his cookies like he was launching rockets. He and I and the floor were now covered in his "dinner".

He starts crying. I assure him it's okay. I tell him to sit with Buster (the dog) and I will go get him some clean clothes and towels. I promise him I will be right back. I fear moving him will cause another tummy episode and drip the concoction all over the new floors.

As I am coming downstairs I hear him screaming, 'No! No! Sop it!"

I run quickly into the living room. The poor thing is now curled up on the couch and Buster is all over him. Buster has apparently decided he likes the tossed cookies and is eating my poor child! GROSS!

Damn dog! I yank him off the boy and lead him by the collar to the back door. Need to get the vomit eater outside before he devours us both. I open the back door and leave the culprit on the porch. He's looking at me like "What the Hell lady?!"

Mission accomplished. I take a deep breath and go to clean the boy up. Within what seems like moments the icing on the cake happens...
THE FREAKING HOUSE ALARM GOES OFF!!!!!

Being the brilliant genius that I am I had totally forgotten about the stupid alarm. I am not used to having one and not used to a man like R who insists I become "acquainted" with it. The thing is loud. The little one is now screaming and I am frantically trying to get it to shut off.

R comes running into the family room like a bat out of Hell. He literally almost slides into the entertainment center. He has a look of total panic on his face. Of course he gets it to shut off in moments. I just give him an "Oops!" look.

The three of us sit in silence for a minute. I am convinced I have now woken the whole house. Yet all is quiet. Freaking miracle!

R: What are you guys doing up?

I wanna say "Playing Twiddly Winks or something smart ass, but I refrain. Barely.

AM: He's not feeling well. He's been throwing up.

He looks my robe up and down and makes this face:


I feel like rubbing my robe all over him.

R: Why in the Hell did the alarm go off?

AM: Buster.

R: Buster set off the alarm?

AM: No, Buster was eating the vomit and I needed to put him outside for a few minutes.

At this point he shakes his head at me. I know what's coming next and you think the boy would know better than to go there at that hour.

R: AM, you know the alarm is set every night. How many times do I have to tell you Honey? We've been setting it every night.

I shoot death rays from my eyes at him.

R: And the code....Honey don't you know the code? What would you do if I weren't here?

At this point I am thinking I should stick him outside with Buster and find out.

AM: Sorry.

R: I'm not mad Honey. I just want to make sure you get into the habit of using it okay?

AM: *mumbles* I will give you a "habit".

I had been up for a good 30 minutes and he never even moved from bed. Now he's standing before me and my throw up covered self lecturing me. I want to kick him...but I just smile.

We clean up the little one, and myself. We bring Vomit Eater back into the house. We go to sleep. At least everyone else went to sleep. I tossed and turned until it was time to get up. And that damn alarm....my ears are still ringing.

Just another day in paradise!
I'm thinking about setting the alarm off every night for a week until R goes crazy! Yet, that would be evil. Yet, it would be quite entertaining.

AM

Well, life here in Dallas resembles a tornado on crack!

Life has literally been consumed by well.....life! It's been going "to town" at our house!

At least amid all the chaos the house is finally starting to come together. Thank God for that as it was driving me crazy having all the boxes around the house.

The decorator lady met with us a while back. This was R's idea. This makes R all giddy like a school girl. This makes R talk about paints, fabrics, furniture, window coverings and such with the same joy he has when speaking about football. This makes AM a little freaked out sometimes. Am I dating a man who really was meant to be a chick???

I have decided that he and decorating lady are secretly plotting to kill me with their creepy and WAY TOO PERKY enthusiasm for the "fine" art of decorating. I am thinking about dressing up like her for Halloween...

I managed to find a few hours while the tribe was watching football this weekend to work on a little project I call the Chore Master!! My kids like to call it many other things and the mere sight of it turns their little smiles quickly into scowls worthy of Oscars!

I bought this very cool board and carefully and colorfully I might add listed all their sweet little names. Beside each name is a list of chores they are responsible for both daily and weekly. I had finally decided with all of these able body people around there was no reason that R and I were doing everything! We are exhausted, and something had to change. I was proud of myself upon completion of my little Chore Master!

When I presented my beautiful and amazing creation to my wonderful family they all looked at me like I was an alien and I swear their little eyes all rolled at the same time. I gave them my best Grinch smile.

I explained the chart in detail and asked if they had any questions. Of course I was only answered in silence and a few very quiet sighs. I realized this was not their idea of fun, and I secretly giggled inside. Yes, I am evil!

I hung my presentation in the upstairs family room...proudly where everyone could see it. I am sure that Decorator Lady shall have a complete fit of "OH GAWDS!" when she sees it, but the Chore Master is staying put. Anyone brave enough to try and remove it shall encounter my wrath!

It's all about the little things. Every time I walk by it and see the little checks next to their names I smile. Mission accomplished. I know they secretly hope the novelty will wear off for me and they will be able to return to their chore free life. But I know different.

Lots of other things going on right now, but no need to bore the outside world with my craziness. Hope all you Streamers are having a rockin' Wednesday! And if anyone should want their name added to the Chore Master just give me a holler!

AM