I could not sleep to save my life last night. I was a "Midnight Wanderer" of sorts. There's a weird feeling being awake when the whole house is quiet. If you spent any time in my home you would know that "quiet" is rare and sometimes just darn right unsettling.

Every noise seemed to echo within the house. I am lucky to have a house full of sound sleepers. Hell, I could have blared the TV and stereo and added a beautiful mix of pots and pans banging and no one would have stirred from slumber.

R awoke only because he rolled over and I wasn't in bed. R is quite the cuddler in bed. We don't have "our" sides of the bed...we basically share the middle...spooning. R is a wonderful spooner.

I was sitting in the kitchen sipping some hot tea when he walked out of the darkness. I had been deep in thought and noticing him in the doorway scared the crap out of me. I think my shriek scared him too as he jumped a bit.

He sat down at the table. He didn't say anything he just looked at me. He didn't have to speak...I can read the looks on his face in a heart beat. I like the comfortable feeling that alone provides. I told him he should go back to sleep, and he insisted he wasn't tired but I knew he was lying. He looked exhausted.

I reached for his hand and gently squeezed it and smiled at him. I felt really blessed at that moment. I felt tears welling up in my eyes simply because I know how much he loves me. I see it all of the time. He's been a rock the past week and I could see the toll it's taken on his tired face.

I knew he would not go back to sleep until I did. So, I stood up and told him we should go back to bed. I held his hand and we walked towards our bedroom. On the way we poked our heads in on the kids and sure enough they were all enjoying a peaceful sleep.

As we approached our bedroom door he pulled my hand as to stop me. I could not see his face as the darkness surrounded us. And then he just grabbed me and hugged me. He squeezed me tight and put his hand gently on the back of my head. We shared no words....again we didn't have to.

He knew why I couldn't sleep. He most likely knew I was returning to bed for his sake. He knew that my heart was heavy. And as I relaxed in the comfort of his hug and strong arms around me I knew it would be okay. I knew that he understood what I was feeling even though I have had a very hard time expressing it.

I knew that no matter how many sleepless nights I may encounter...that I will always have someone to share the darkness with me. And in that darkness there is a pure and loving light waiting just around the bend. And I realized for the first time that life's dark moments are not meant to be encountered alone. I realized that the wonderful and amazing man holding me in the darkness would never allow me to wander in the dark alone again. And I felt peace and sleepiness envelop me for the first time in weeks.

Life moves on. Life doens't stop and wait for us. And if we are truly lucky and blessed we don't have to go it alone. Today I thank God I am that I am lucky and blessed. In this dark time for me I am grateful I am not a solo "Midnight Wanderer".

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I cannot express how grateful I am for all of you. You all shed so much light unto my path. There are angels on the Stream....so many angels. And I have been blessed and lucky enough to meet so many.

Take care out there. May this day bring you all peace and comfort. I love you guys!


AM

There is a lot to write about, but today I just don't have it in me. I wanted to update here…. it might be brief and I will write more about it later.

I lost the baby. I had a D&C on Friday morning. I am not sure how I feel about it today. I think it will take me a little time to truly absorb it all. I have cried and I have been angry, I’ve blamed myself, and I have also felt a very weird sense of calm. I am certain my emotions are normal, but they seem foreign to me right now. I am not trying to sound cold or distant…I am honestly just unsure of my emotions right now.

I know everything happens for a reason. I know life doesn't always offer up an explanation for the course it takes. I know there is a reason this baby was not meant to come into our lives right now. Yet, I find myself with an empty and confused feeling right now.

I haven't talked with R much about it. I have listened a lot to him though. Sometimes I am much better at listening than I am at expressing. I know he's upset and I know he is hurting. I am trying to comfort him and he's trying to do the same for me. I'm certain that neither one of us knows exactly what to do or say right now.

The doctor said we can try again in a month if we want to. I am not sure if I will be ready then or not. Perhaps there is enough in our lives for right now. Maybe this just wasn't the "right" time. Though honestly I have no idea what that means. I have heard it from a lot of people around me. Maybe there is a sad and simple truth in that. I don't know.

As I watched our crazy kids yesterday roaming the house I wondered if God thinks R and my path should be different. Nothing in the world would make me happier than for R and I to have a baby together. I can think of no greater gift to share with him. I think we will try again. Though I am not sure when. I think we will need some time and I think then we will know when it is right for us.

I am home for the next few days. I will return to work on Wednesday afternoon for a half day. I have not missed the office idiots, but must say I am looking forward to the distraction. Sometimes the walls around us seem to close in tightly....I think I need a break from the walls.

I will write more soon. For now I think I will take a quick rest before my tribe gets home from school. I hope you are all well.

AM

I'm on bed rest and for the record....sitting on my butt is driving me insane!

I started bleeding last week and now have been "ordered" to do basically nothing until my next ultrasound Thursday. I fear I am not being a good patient either. Big shocker isn't it?

R is holding down the fort rather well. He's been taking care of everything and even has time to "manage" me with a wonderful military like authority.

He's even working at home this week. Guess he wants to make sure I don't run any marathons while he is gone or go on a dancing binge. He's watching me like a hawk. Hell, I cannot even pee in peace. Nothing like having an audience when you are trying to take care of business.

To add to the utter joy I am feeling right now my Mother seems to be on one of her "kicks". I wish I knew how to block her calls on my cell phone. She's driving me crazy....again. I am certain she thinks I don't have enough on my mind so she must fulfill her duty of putting more crap upon my empty plate.

My Mom and I have a relationship that I am certain borders on lunacy. I used to think we would "outgrow" it, but I fear that shall not happen. Mom and I are total opposites. I am very much like my Dad and outside of the fact she and I are both women...our common grounds are minimal.

If I hear one more "I told you so" from her this week I fear I shall burst into flames! If I hear one more "If you had just listened to me" I think I might start beating my head against the nearest sharp object and never stop. If my cell phone rings one more time and I see the word MOM on it...I am certain I shall flush the damn thing. Who needs technology anyway?

Yesterday when she called she literally talked for 10 minutes without stopping and taking a breath. After the first few minutes all I heard was "BLAH, BLAH, NAG, NAG!" She's sending my blood pressure through the roof right now and she insists she is just trying to "help". I feel like screaming..."FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN STOP "HELPING" WILL YA?????????"

So basically this bed rest thing is really rockin' so far! It appears I can have "fun" adventures even sitting here on my behind. Am I a crap magnet perhaps? Do I have a sign that reads KICK ME on my back? No, it must be that my life is one big episode of Candid Camera or perhaps a very cruel version of the Real World??

Well, I guess I am going to start watching one of the gazillion DVD's R bought to keep me glued to this damn bed. I'd really like a glass of juice right now but Captain of the Bed Police is on the phone and I fear being arrested should I make that "long" journey to the kitchen.

Oh this week shall give me lots of time to catch up on the Stream. Be warned though....I may drive ya'll crazy with my craziness. So, should I become a bother just hang your "NO AM'S ALLOWED" signs and I promise to take the hint...maybe.

Love ya'll....

AM (Your soon to be resident crazy streamer)

It's been a while since I have had a good DB story to share. Lucky for you the child finally provided some good material this weekend.

Yesterday I was stupid enough to ask DB to watch our little Kindergartner for a short time while we were in the garage trying to decide what will move with us and what is trash. I assumed at 9 years old she could handle this task while Mommy was outside. But in true DB form she has proved to me I was once again mistaken.

They were in the TV room watching a movie. It should have been a no brainer. Though it appears my darling daughter was quite the "brain" in her task of "watching" her soon to be step-brother.

We were almost done packing stuff up when our oldest nephew walked out into the garage. Oh yeah...he was supposed to be keeping a watchful eye on them both. Apparently his My Space account takes precedent over anything else. So he walks outside....

Nephew: Ummmm....guys you might wanna come in here and look at this.

R and I stopped what were doing. We hear those words often and it's never because something really really wonderful has happened.

We give each other those "Oh Crap" glances and cautiously walk inside. You never know what shall present itself with the zoo we call our home.

We walk into the TV room.......GASP! OMG!!!

There in the middle of the floor are DB and her "victim". The color drained quickly from our faces and I am certain both R and I looked like this:

DB had taken a box of temporary tattoos and placed them all over the poor boy. This in itself...not too big a deal. The fact that she had used the box of freaking permanent rainbow colored Sharpie markers I keep in my desk to "color" her artwork... well, that presents a problem.

The little one had 2 tattoos on his forehead, 2 on one cheek, 1 on the other cheek, a cutesy multi-colored heart on his chin, and she was working on tattoo # 5 on his little arms.

They both looked at us grinning ear to ear. DB proud of her artistic talents and him for being ...I don't know.....gullible maybe??

Of course neither one of them understood why were upset. Of course DB's defense to using PEMENANT MARKERS on him was the Crayola markers smeared!

So, we take the poor lad into the bathroom and try and remove his biker/circus clown look. We scrub, we rub, and we wash. They faded a wee bit...and I stress the word WEE!

DB knew better. He was "DB Suckered" and he looked the part each and every bit. We tried to remove them again before bed last night and again this morning. Not much luck....of course not.

So, this morning we got to take the little one into school and explain why this little kindergartner is sporting a new look. After the people and his teacher gave us the OMG looks...they tried not to laugh. It's kinda hard.

We left the poor soul at school. We hope he makes it through the day without too much taunting from his peers. Yet, if you could see him...it's doubtful. He of course is oblivious. He doesn't care.

DB is now on marker restriction and will no longer be put in charge of watching anyone or anything for even a moment. Yes, she was "expressing" herself. I just wish she could find outlets other than the walls, floors, and her future brothers.

Anyone want a tattoo? DB apparently does them on the cheap! LOL Hope you are all doing well today. I know this is a somber day of reflection for us all. Thought I would offer up a little DB smile for us all. Take care out there.


AM

I have been in a reflective mood all day long. My mind seems cluttered with thoughts. The winds of change are gusting in my life. Some days I feel like I'm riding the breeze and other days I feel like I'm being swept away.

I've never been afraid of change, most of the time I embrace it, sometimes more slowly than others. Sometime when encountering the day, I just hope and pray that I am doing my best. Some days I'm certain I fail, and then I have to step back re-evaluate.

When I get in my "Deep Thoughts" mode I tend to retreat a little bit. Some people in my life think it is because I am building walls or afraid to put my thoughts and feelings into "verbal expression". Yet, that is not the case.

Yes, I have had intimacy issues in the past. I learn to overcome them day by day. I think more than anything I am just trying to sort out all the "new" chapters that have been added to my life's book.

I feel the responsibility of a lot of people resting upon me right now. I do not take it lightly, and I don't honestly know if I am handling it the right way. I do know that I am undertaking one of the most fragile circumstances my life has yet to encounter. I want to do it the right way. I worry a lot about doing it the right way.

I ma not complaining nor am I upset. I just so deeply want to do the right thing by the important people in my life right now. Sometimes I wish my life came with a handbook or a cheat sheet of sorts. My best told me that would take the "excitement" out of life. I told him that I could certainly use a little less "exciting" right now.

No, life here is never dull. Each day brings new challenges and change. That's life for us all isn't it? I was scared that I wasn't ready, but life has a unique way of making you ready. Most often in ways you couldn't have imagined prior.

Sometimes you just have to trust that life will never give you more than you can handle. My grandmother, whom I miss dearly used to say that to me when I was growing up. She said it to me again 4 days before she passed away when I was having a hard time dealing with her illness. Perhaps I hear her words echoing in my thoughts today because there is a simple truth in it.

The weekend is upon us. I am glad that we have nothing scheduled or anywhere to be. We did find a house this week. I shall write about it later. So, that is one good accomplishment and thing to check off the never ending To Do List!

Just needed to put some thoughts down. Hope I didn't ramble too much here. Yet, somehow I know you guys don't mind. You are most likely used to my rambling by now!

Ya'll have a great weekend. Stay out of trouble...and if you don't you know I want to hear all about it! Take care out there.


AM